Monthly Archives: December 2020

Okay guys, we did it. We made it through all of Thanksgiving week. I didn’t think I could do it. But, well, here we are. 1000 movies and 100 posts about those movies.

The movie begins with a shot of some fighter pilots getting into their planes and flying off into the sun. Don’t forget, this is a military movie!!

At a newspaper office, our lead, Maddie gets asked out by Roger. He seems to accept her non-response as a “yes.” So, I guess they’re on for tonight. Her friend is like, ugh, Roger is the worst. Maddie is like, no he’s fine. Her boss is Mr. Bailey. Oh boy. Is there going to be some “It’s a Wonderful Life” vibes here? Spoiler alert: There are NOT.

That night, she goes to a very fancy event with people from the Navy. Maddie goes to get red wine for her and her sister, Amelia and she turns around and spills it all over the woman behind her. Blondie lead guy suggests she have a man carry her drinks her next time. Why is his hair so blonde? I think it distracted me all through “Nostalgic Christmas” last year too. He’s too old to be that blonde, right? Do we all agree on that?

Maddie talks to someone who knew her dad, Captain Chet Jenkins. They haven’t seen him since her dad’s funeral which I assumed was recent but actually it was probably at least 15 year ago. Chet tries to talk Maddie into going on some kind of Tiger cruise, or Title Cruise? Tiger Cruise-a cruise on the aircraft carrier for all the sailors’ families. It’s too last minute for Maddie! Also, she doesn’t want to. Chet thinks it would be a good story for that newspaper Maddie works at though. Amelia is like dude that’s my boss! If you don’t go on the cruise, you’ll impact by employment.

Blondie blonde head returns Maddie’s shawl to her. He is kind of humorless. I do feel awful for his date though. She was wearing a white dress and that wine got ALL over her dress. I’m honestly surprised she just like kept on like nothing had happened. Then Captain Jenkins gives a speech. Everyone toasts to the Navy.

Maddie and Amelia get breakfast at their usual spot. The waitress knows exactly who they are and their ‘usuals.” Maddie is kind of burnt out at being a journalist. She reminds Amelia about a story about a baby left at a fire station ten years ago. She wants to write more stories like that. Then Maddie tells Amelia that she doesn’t want to get involved with someone in the military. Then Amelia tries to talk Maddie into going on the Tiger cruise. But there’s the whole business about her not wanting to. Also, her emails! Anyway, she decides to go.

Maddie rushes into her boss’s office to ask about taking time off. Maddie does a terrible job explaining the Tiger Cruise. Maddie doesn’t talk about her military life that much OKAY? Okay she can go but Roger is getting the bank story! Maddie’s friend is BOY CRAZY.

At home, Maddie packs shoes, pajamas and a sleep mask for her trip. Then she talks to a picture of her dad.

The next day, Maddie and her mom arrive on the ship. It’s all decorated for Christmas. Uh Oh. Maddie meets Billy Jenkins… CHET’S SON. BLONDIE BLONDE HEAD. Of course his name is Billy. Chet invites the ladies for dinner. 1800 HOURS GIRLS!

Maddie and her mom see Amelia’s plane. Her nickname is “Daddy’s Girl” which I would argue is the most insulting nickname ever for a woman pilot, but she doesn’t mind. Billy’s nickname is Grinch because his lack of enthusiasm about Christmas is important enough to remember year round.

That night, OMG Chet’s cabin or dining room is DECKED OUT for Christmas. SO many Christmas trees. How do they stay up? Billy arrives with his girlfriend. He doesn’t have any time for this silly Christmas cruise. HE JUST WANTS TO GO TO WAR. Billy’s girlfriend Charlotte is a romance author. She actually seems nice so that’s lame. Chet spends the evening telling stories about Maddie’s dad. So that’s nice. Billy has SOME ISSUES he needs to work though. Also, actually Charlotte is not Billy’s girlfriend. They are good friends. Chet is a wingman in MORE WAYS THAN ONE APPARENTLY. He asks Billy to walk Maddie back to her cabin.

Billy can’t BELIEVE MADDIE thought Charlotte was his girlfriend. Maddie says that military life is NOT for her so she doesn’t want to marry an officer. Billy corrects how Maddie walks down the ladder to her room. In fairness, she picks the weirdest way to walk down it at first. Billy says goodnight and then rushes back to his room to touch up his roots.

Maddie’s little bunk room is DECKED OUT for Christmas. The next day, Maddie is up at the crack of 10 AM. She stops by to chit chat with the captain. She asks Chet about meeting his wife on the Tiger Cruise. Yeah, he did but they got divorced so it probably isn’t a great love story to write about. Chet offers to have Billy take her to the archives to see if there are any better stories. Billy is too busy dyeing his hair to help Maddie with her story.

Billy takes Maddie to the archive room, which I thought was a kitchen at first. There are just boxes of photos in there. Maddie says she never went to military events growing up because she was too busy reading books. Billy actually gives her a GOOD idea for a story but she rejects it. Then Maddie finds an old journal with a drawing of a big ol broad with long sturdy legs. Then Maddie reads the journal out loud. There might be a Christmas story in this old journal! Billy finds a Santa suit. Billy is not interested in dressing up as Santa Claus. HE LIKES THE FOURTH OF JULY! AMERICA! Not Christmas.

Maddie calls her boss. I thought she wouldn’t have service. Oh, she’s at a phone bank. She makes her pitch to her boss. He is UNSURPISINGLY not interested in a romance story for their “Christmas Edition” of their newspaper. He would likely be more interested in Billy’s idea.

Later, they watch the planes take off from the ship. Maddie reads more of Sam’s journal. Sam just writes nonstop about ol Dorothy. Then Billy tracks Maddie down after a fresh highlight. He wants to hear about the Christmas couple…for historical reasons of course. Billy found an ornament that has Dorothy’s name written on it. Did they have sharpies back then?

Later, they talk to the guy that handles “all things Christmas” on the ship. I believe his name is Mick. To emphasize this point, he wears a Santa hat throughout their conversation and makes Christmas puns. He promises to call his brother at the VA as well. Maddie and Billy head to another spot to look at old pictures. They see a photo of a woman dancing…it looks a lot like that drawing of Dorothy…I mean, I guess. They plan to look at some archives when they dock at NYC the following day. The next morning, they carpool in to the city with Maddie’s mom and sister but have to get back to the ship at 8pm. I swear Billy says they need to meet at “0800 Hours” but if he said that, he’s like the dumbest sailor in the entire world.

The woman in the archives office figures out exactly who Dorothy is within a a matter of minutes. We hear more writing from the journal. Then Maddie and Billy barge in on a dance lesson. The current instructor took lessons from Dorothy. This teacher remembers ALOT about Dorothy for just being a child at the time.

Maddie and Billy take a snack break with some roasted chestnuts. You know, I don’t think I’ve had those. Billy says she spent Christmas in New York when he was 6. It was their last Christmas as a family. SAD. Maddie and Billy decide to go see a Christmas Train Show. Billy checks his roots and hopes they hold up long enough for him to get back to the ship and do another quick touch up.

Then Billy zones out while they watch the toy trains. Now all he and his dad talk about are trains, planes and BRO STUFF. Maddie says it’s too hard to talk to about her dad now. He died in a training exercise when she was 17. She regrets not going on the Tiger cruise more often. But like, how did she not go as a child while the rest of her family went?

While Maddie and Billy get hot chocolate, a little boy is very interested in Billy. The little boy wants to be a Navy Pilot too. Billy gives him some wings. NO TAKE BACKS?! asks the little boy? Well, actually yeah I do need them back says Billy. Billy is so proud of himself for saying Merry Christmas, he wonders if he should change his call sign to Santa.

Later they get milkshakes. What a dairy filled afternoon they are having! I hope they make it back to the ship in time and I hope they have private bathrooms. Billy talks about what it’s like to fly the planes he flies. Then Billy remembers he needs to make sure he touches up his eyebrows as well. Billy decides candy canes are just as gross as he remembers. Billy says he had a really fun day. Then they TOTALLY lost track of time and it’s already 730 and they are not back at the ship! Billy, you truly are the worst sailor ever. They get stuck in traffic so they decide to RUN. Billy has to stop and give money Santa though. They make it JUST IN TIME.

The next day, Maddie and Sarah, her boy crazy coworker, chit chat. Sarah found Dorothy but her record stops at 1966 in San Diego. Poor Roger wants to talk to Maddie but she would rather talk to Mr. Bailey. Maddie bores her boss to death telling him the story of Sam and Dorothy. But now he NEEDS her story. His Christmas Cover Story FELL THROUGH.

Nick tells Maddie that if she wants info about Sam the pilot, she needs to submit a FOIA request. “That could take weeks” she says. And I laugh out loud because she really means years.

Later they all have dinner again with Chet and Billy. Maddie’s mom is so grateful for all this time with her girls except she and Maddie have spent exactly zero time together so far.

Later they all make ornaments. And then ol Billy covers up his fading roots with a Santa costume. He’s discovering the magic of Christmas.

They walk outside onto the deck. Maddie says it’s the perfect night. It’s snowing. And THEN THEY KISS. But Maddie says it’s not a good idea! Maddie says this is not going to work out back home!! MADDIE YOU DUMMY.

The next day, it’s time to pack up and head home. Chet can’t wait to read Maddie’s article. That’s very polite of you, Chet. Billy does not show up to say goodbye. Nick shows up to catch Maddie. He found a Sam who won some awards so they can share his info. Sam went MIA in 1967 and then some records burned so the trail went cold. Billy shows up at that point to say goodbye I guess. He’s running late because he had to do a full highlight. They exchange pleasantries. Actually, they hug.

Later, Billy and Chet hang out at home. Billy tells Chet about their day in NYC. He says it brought up ALOT of memories. They have a nice moment talking about those hard times.

Back at work, Maddie isn’t sure her article will be done in time. Maddie and her friend go take a hot chocolate break and talk about her article and BILLY. Her friend FREAKS out about her and Billy. And for the first time, Maddie wonders about a record of a wedding announcement. Then Billy shows up at Maddie’s WORK. Poor little blonde Billy asks Maddie on a date. Maddie is like, this is NOT going to end well so I don’t want to take any risks. And then they almost kiss again. So Maddie tries to run away. Billy promises not to hurt her. Maddie screams, you lie about your hair color so what else are you lying about!! And runs away.

SURE ENOUGH, Maddie finds Sam and Dorothy’s wedding announcement. She finds out they are living in a retirement home. Then she notices the call sign on his plane in one of the pictures. It’s “Picasso.” WHICH IS THE NAME OF THE DINER she always goes to. Her favorite little waitress gives Maddie info about Sam’s daughter. Later, she tracks down the daughter. Sam and Dorothy live with her now.

The next day, Maddie heads to Sam and Dorothy’s. Their daughter Lily’s house is DECKED OUT for Christmas. They wonder what all the FUSS is about. They are very confused about their story being interesting. ME TOO kind of. Sam’s plane got shot down and he was a POW for seven years! Dorothy prayed every night that Sam would come home. Dorothy tells Maddie it was easy to be part of the military because she was with Sam. Then Maddie gives Dorothy the ornament they made on the ship. WHAT ABOUT SAM’S DANG JOURNAL MADDIE? Also, just wondering why he didn’t take that journal with him when he left the ship…

So anyway, now Maddie can write her story. Peppy Christmas music plays while we watch a boring montage of her typing and switching sweaters. Now I know why they have the actors read their stories out loud instead. It must be Christmas Eve dinner now. Maddie tells her family that her article turned out “beautifully” not to brag or anything. Maddie and her mom talk about Billy. Her mom talks about meeting Maddie’s dad. She says she was scared of the military life too initially so she tried to break off her engagement. She and her mom have a heart to heart.

Chet and Billy sit silently at their house. Maddie calls their house on their land line? What year is it supposed to be? Chet says Billy is not available. Maddie tells Chet she’ll be at the Picasso’s diner tomorrow at 10 if he wants to talk. Maddie asks to hear more stories about her dad.

It’s Christmas morning. Maddie arrives at her mom’s house and gets the paper. Her Christmas article is front page news I think. You know how it is. Maddie is up and in high heels and her mom is in a bath robe so that’s that. Chet reads the article in his bathrobe as well. Blondie blonde head is wearing a brilliantly cerulean sweater that perfectly compliments his “naturally” blonde hair. Now, finally, Maddie reads her article out loud for all of us. Her mom is just BLOWN away. Mr. Bailey calls Maddie to personally thank her for the story. Maddie asks if she can start covering the “military beat” because of all that hot military goss.

Chet asks Billy about his own love story. Billy asks, will anyone love me when they realize my hair isn’t actually this blonde? Chet shrugs and continues pounding three muffins at once.

Later, the girls all eat breakfast at Picassos. Billy shows up right as they get done eating. Outside, Billy’s hair shines as bright as the sun. Maddie tells Billy how handsome he is in his uniform and his naturally blonde hair. Then Maddie hands him an unwrapped Thomas the Train toy. I think it’s “James” which is perfect because “James is vain but loads of fun!” Anyway, he gives her a handmade ornament his young nephew must have painted. Then they dance in the freezing cold and suddenly it’s almost dark even though they were just eating breakfast. And then THEY KISS.

So that’s USS Christmas. This movie was a little silly. It was a different story for sure. I thought all the actors did a fine job. I don’t think I loved this movie…but it will probably end up in my top half. I don’t know. It’s the last one of that marathon week, you guys! What do you want from me? Let’s see how many items it checks off on our checklist. So, only 5/20! Not many Christmas activities taking place on that ship!

1. Clumsy meet-cute
2. Christmas puns
3. Nonsense drama
4. Sassy best friend
5. Christmas montage

Okay so tonight’s movie is the Candace Cameron one. I like her a lot but dang her last few year’s of movies have been…not my favorite. Here’s hoping she turns it around tonight! Though, this one is apparently “Wizard of Oz” inspired so I’m not optimistic. Let’s get after it.

Darcy has a big old GOOD GIRL so we’re off to a good start.

Darcy and her coworkers are at a big Christmas party. For some reason they all have to wear Santa hats. She is waiting to hear about whether she received a big annual award for…PR. She doesn’t get the award. She is basically in tears. But then, she and all her pals all an alert for an article of about big business person being a total train wreck at a particular company.

Winona, Glen’s Coworker? Wants a PR firm to come and help them improve their image. Glen does NOT like it at all. Glen is very anti PR or communications even though he is the VP of Communications. Also, spoiler alert, but I immediately assumed this guy was “Will Austen” son of George Austen, of Austen, Inc.

Back at the office, Darcy does some research. She wants to put in a pitch at Austen, Inc. They asked for them!

Darcy bakes in her MASSIVE KITCHEN. Her neighbors? siblings? and her parents come over. Wait do they just all live there? HOLY COW. So far, it’s the best Christmas house I’ve seen all year. Her…brothers? ask her how she really feels about the award. She talks with her whole family about how bummed she is about the award. And we get our first (cough) (subtle) Balsam Hill ad. They are way less aggressive than last year. Then her siblings or WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE…suggest she do some charity work to shift her focus away from that award. Because everyone can take three weeks of unpaid time off right before Christmas! She does some research on the education trust her family suggests… and guess who is on the board? So now she has a new angle to get their business.

The next day, Darcy’s boss loves her pitch and they just sent it over without any like nuance or ANYTHING. So William and their leadership totally missed her point! She needs to give the pitch in person.

Later, Glen reluctantly takes a call from Darcy. She tries to sell him on her vision. Darcy tells Glen she was motivated by her personal connection to the Emerald trust because her family members are teachers. He becomes more intrigued and invites her to come make the pitch in person.

So Darcy decides to head to…New York? Connecticut?

Darcy and Glen inadvertently meet at her hotel bar. Darcy kind of overshares about the person she’s meeting. I think Glen is catching on. How does Darcy not consider that this person might be Glen? Oh Darcy, SHUT IT. Then Darcy gets a phone call and well, she catches up real quick. Oh Darcy. She feels very embarrassed and also got mad at him for messing with her.

Then they go to dinner. She wants to hear more about Glen. Glen tells Darcy about Emerald’s Christmas events. Darcy says the events need MORE CHRISTMAS. The Christmas Tree Farm, for example, is not Christmas-y enough.

Wait do her parents live at her house? Anyway, Bobo remains a GOOD GIRL chewing on whatever she’s chewing on.

Darcy shows up to Emerald’s HQ with four coffees. WHO ARE THOSE FOR? Then Darcy practices introduces herself to Jackie, head of Development. Why is Jackie like, sitting at the front desk then? She’s weird. Oh, is Darcy collecting people like Dorothy? So we have Jackie Crow, Dr. Bridget Tinsley, and Riley Lions. SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. What do you know, Riley doesn’t want to be on TV. Darcy runs into a little bit of a roadblock. Dr. Tinsley doesn’t want to feature any of the kids or their stories. She is very serious about their work.

Darcy and Jackie head outside. Jackie tells Darcy about the tree farm. They do the same old thing every year. Jackie suggests a Christmas maze. Well, that’s not bad. Glen comes outside to apologize to Darcy. Jackie has more good ideas. Even though she’s supposed to be “not smart” she is more like the cowardly lion. She doesn’t have any confidence in her knowledge or ideas.

Jackie, Glen and Darcy head to the tree lot and talk to the owners. Jackie shares her ideas for amping up the partnership. The tree lot doesn’t want to add flashy stuff. Jackie tells…Brian (?) that he is getting outsold by 11%. Then Jackie kind of runs out of confidence so Darcy steps in and sells him on their ideas.

Back at the office, Dr. Heartless Tinsley is a no nonsense business person. She…makes a lot of good points. She doesn’t have time for silly Christmas party nonsense. And then she gets up and leaves. But apparently she said yes to Jackie’s idea. And Darcy has MORE IDEAS.

Darcy follows Glen to lunch and wants to finalize a press release. Then she meets Winona. Winona seems to like her. But she is a NO NONSENSE BUSINESS PERSON.

Later, in a super cute headband, Darcy and Dr. Tinsley meet with a reporter. Dr. Tinsley tries to apologize for being a no nonsense business person but Darcy is like, no no. You’re just fighting for what you believe in.

Then Darcy tries to help Riley have confidence on camera. No, it can’t be confidence because that’s Jackie’s thing. So he needs bravery. He tap dances to remember what he’s supposed to say. So that should work on camera. I’m not sure where they are right now. The tree lot? Glen stops by to check on her. Glen tells Darcy about his bummer of a childhood. Glen shares that his one family tradition was opening a book on Christmas Eve. I do love that. Then Darcy tells him that her mom died when she was in college. So that other lady is Emma, her dad’s second wife. Then Brian (?) the tree lot owner says that their Santa cancelled! DISASTER.

Back at the office, Glen asks his assistant to find a replacement Santa. Then the tree lot festivities start! Well that’s cute. The maze is Christmas lights. Glen and Darcy run right into each other inside. They are lost. They use some Wizard of Oz dialogue and then finally make it out. Then Darcy realizes that Santa made it! Darcy is touched that Glen found a Santa. Then Darcy seems…sad? Maybe? She calls home. They are STILL decorating that tree! She just misses her family I guess. Somehow Emma has EAGLE EYES and spots Glen behind her. So then Darcy hangs up abruptly.

Darcy and Glen walk and talk, but Glen doesn’t want to talk about work. NOT IN FRONT OF SANTA, DARCY. He is more obsessed with Santa than any person I’ve ever met.

Darcy and Glen chat with Riley at the…dance studio. Darcy is like, okay give me your television speech RIGHT NOW. Riley is definitely over his stage fright. In fact, he’s become downright insufferable. Then he walks Darcy through a few dance moves. Also is Riley wearing lip gloss? Then Glen ropes Darcy and Riley into participating in the pageant I think?

Winona arrives at the studio. She asks Glen to explain himself. Winona does not like any of this. Glen has to give Winona a talking to.

That night, Glen and Darcy talk about Winona and the foundation. Glen says he was adopted at ten so this foundation for helping at risk kids is close to his heart. Darcy tells Glen she wants to move to New York because she feels she has something to prove.

After dinner, Glen and Darcy get hot chocolate. Glen says they are considering expanding Austen Inc to a mid-size city. Darcy admits she’s a little homesick. Then Glen says he has a little taste of home for her. He made her a snickerdoodle with her initial on it. Well that’s pretty dang sweet. They both say it tastes good, which makes my husband irate because he can see from the couch that the cookie’s edges are too crispy. THAT’S NOT HOW A SNICKERDOODLE SHOULD BE, he yells at the television.

The next day, Jackie says the venue they booked for the pageant was double booked. I can’t believe this type of thing happens that much in real life, but boy does it happen in nearly every Hallmark movie. They start panicking. Darcy suggests combining the pageant and the gala!!! A pageant and gala all in one!! Jackie suggests asking William Austen speak.

The four of them decide to ask William in person. They march arm in arm all the way through the lobby of Austen, Inc. There is a gold stripe all the way up to the front desk. The assistant is like, oh that’s cute. Make an appointment. Glen and Winona see them in the lobby. Winona likes their idea and asks to speak with Darcy privately. Not even Glen gets to stay!

Winona is like, you know William would never do this right? Then Winona gives Darcy a TALKING TOO. She thinks Darcy used all this foundation stuff to go around her to try and get the PR contract. But then the foundation crew barge in and are like, this is messed up! And it wasn’t her idea! How does no one at Austen, Inc. not know any of them, they wonder? But probably because he’s just one of several people on the board of this foundation?

After all of…THAT, Glen catches up to Darcy. He’s like, what WAS all that? Darcy is very proud of herself. Glen asks what Darcy would tell William if she could meet him. She tells him that he needs to be transparent as a leader. Then Glen says they aren’t going to use her firm for their PR but he will try and get her a meeting with William.

Oh dear, now we have to watch the kids at pageant practice. Riley finally gives his big TV speech IN A SWEATSHIRT. RILEY WHAT! Then Riley and Darcy practice their dance. The strap on Darcy’s shoe snaps off.

At work, Glen’s assistant offers to buy Darcy a new pair of dance shoes. She knows Glen likes Darcy! Later, Darcy and Glen meet to… I guess just hang out at her hotel bar. Glen says he’s very close to his work family. He says his wife and kids don’t talk to him. She’s like WHAT. Ha. Because they don’t exist.

Then Darcy picks up a package from the front desk. They are outrageously red glittery shoes. I know they have to be but dang.

It’s Christmas Gala/Pageant time. Brave little Riley gives a speech to kick it off. Then it’s dance time. This is weird, right? They are dancing to kids singing Jolly Old Saint Nicholas and just the piano playing. It doesn’t make any sense to dance to this song. They aren’t even dancing to the beat. Literally no other song? Wait and was that the whole pageant?

Later, Glen asks Darcy to dance. They talk about…I don’t know. Who cares. Darcy tries to talk Glen into making a speech on behalf of the company. He agrees. He gives her a kiss on the cheek. Glen gives his speech. He shares the story of his childhood and how good teachers helped him. Then he introduces the little band of helpers. And then he thanks Darcy too. Then he announces to all these people who don’t care, that Darcy will be doing all the company’s PR work going forward. Oh and guess what? He is William Austen. Darcy walks out kind of in tears. Glen/William tries to explain himself. She says the person she met these last few weeks is worth knowing but she will refer the work to the New York office. I feel maybe she could be a bit more understanding.

Darcy drinks coffee outside with her GOOD GIRL back at home. Then she pours a BIG OLD GLASS OF WINE. Then the whole crew arrives to say hello. Her parents tell her they saw the speech. They kind of wonder what her problem is. Fell for THAT Darcy? or HIM!!! If you can’t take the heat, girl, get out of the kitchen.

The next day, the foundation crew video chats with her to talk to her about turning down her dream job. Dr. Tinsley gives her a nice pep talk. They all give her some ideas and good advice.

Back at the office, Glen/William and Winona talk. She says his dad would be proud. Winona says that Glen needs to win Darcy back. She needs to do their PR and also date William because that will end well! WIN HER BACK DUMMY! Then she tells him to fly…so maybe she should take a little break.

William shows up AT HER HOUSE! IN KANSAS. He gives her a nice speech. Darcy is like, so this is super great but my family will be here any minute so you have to leave. And then they all show up. And Emma of course, has NO CHILL. Neither does Bobo. She immediately plops herself on his lap. BECAUSE SHE’S THE BEST GIRL. Darcy’s brother sidles right up to him and starts showing him pictures on his phone. So finally Darcy takes him outside and they talk SOME MORE. Darcy says she wants to stay in Kansas. Well there was talk about a second headquarters. And they need a new VP of Communications. And then they KISS. But wait, isn’t he going to be her boss? So she can’t start dating him AND accept a job at his company right? I feel that no one has thought this part through at all. But it’s Hallmark so we know it will work out just fine. WOULD DEF WATCH them trying to like date and also have him be her manager though.

So, this one was better than I thought. Some of the dialogue was…not great. They tried super hard to use a lot of Wizard of Oz lingo too. And I was confused about the relationship between this foundation and Austen, Inc. I thought William was just one member of a board of directors. But it seemed like Emerald was actually like the company’s charitable foundation towards the end. I also don’t understand the world of PR so some of this seemed silly there too. But, it was much better than say, “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas?” So there’s that. Let’s see how it scored. Total score: 6/20!

1. Clumsy Meet Cute
2. Christmas Pageant
3. Christmas Gala
4. Christmas Baking
5. Christmas puns
6. Nonsense drama

Okay so tonight we have Lacey Chabert’s Christmas movie. I absolutely LOVED Winter in Vail earlier this year but I hated Christmas in Rome. I also liked that one where she was a baker and got trapped in a small town and one of the citizens was probably Santa? Anyone remember that one? So anyway, we’ll see about this one. Let’s dive in.

The movie begins with Avery watching a video of ballroom dancing. She said that’s what she wants her wedding dance to look like. Now, she is off to do a cake tasting with her fiancé!

At the cake tasting, Avery is doing all the eating and David is on a work call. He cares way more about work than cake so we know he’s a bad guy. And then they BOTH get a work call. Avery desperately wanted a Christmas wedding. She is hurt that her fiancé doesn’t care which one of these dumb cakes they pick. Clearly, they should pick the only one that doesn’t look like it’s meant for a children’s birthday party. She is bummed David took a work call during their cake tasting session but SHE DID TOO. Also, obviously he doesn’t care about the cake, GIRL.

Avery’s assistant is doing both work and personal assisting it seems. At the office, she is directing where Avery’s wedding bouquet samples are being sent. Also, since David is such a busy business person, Avery is going to schedule the dance lessons too. It seems like maybe she can’t get a hold of them so she stops by the studio. Is it me or so far is she like weirdly obsessed with the dancing portion of the wedding? Everyone knows the most important part of a wedding is a cake.

Anyway, Avery talks to the literal child, Nicky, running the front desk. He is UPSELLING HER BIG TIME. She wants two lessons but Nicky talks her in to ten. TEN LESSONS in 24 days. She chats with the British dance instructor, Roman, briefly as well.

David and Avery go to dinner that night. David needs to talk to her about something. He has been rethinking the decision to turn down a big promotion in Boston. So he TOOK the job. Avery asks about their wedding. David is like, can we put a pin in the wedding? Then he’s like, you’re the one that wanted to like SET A DATE after we got engaged so this is basically your fault. So he essentially admits he doesn’t want to get married. So she leaves.

The next day Avery is wearing THE CUTEST SWEATER as she rehashes the evening with her friend. Then Avery gets an alert about her ballroom lesson. No one answers at the studio when she tries to call and cancel of course.

Avery heads to the studio and there is that cute British boy, Roman. Avery is like NO ONE ANSWERS THE DANG PHONE here the owner needs to get his act together! Well guess who the owner is? Anyway, Avery tries to cancel the lessons. He is a little nosy about why Avery wants to cancel the whole set of lessons. Then Roman suggests she keep the lessons for herself. She is TOO BUSY. She leaves. Does she get the refund or not!

Later Avery goes to a VERY fancy dinner with her parents with actors who were both already in other movies!! Avery sees a little girl twirling around in the restaurant. Avery asks her parents why she stopped taking dance as a kid? Her parents were like, you SUCKED at it so we didn’t want to keep wasting our money. So that emboldens Avery to go straight to the dance studio to take lessons. She chit chats with Roman about setting up time for a lesson. And then Avery scolds him again for not having someone run their phones.

Avery returns but she is wearing the wrong heels. Why do girls have to wear heels to dance though? Or do they? Avery asks why HE GETS TO LEAD? Probably because you don’t know how to dance AVERY? She keeps being kind of sassy with Roman throughout the lesson. He is also a little sassy though. Also Roman is wearing a turtleneck and no one’s said anything yet. Then Avery has a mini freak out about not being good at dancing right away. So she decides to leave.

At home, Avery’s bouquets have arrived. And then she realizes she walked out in the dance studio’s shoes.

Avery is a busy business person the next day. But she asks her assistant to return her engagement ring to David because she does work and personal things for her.

Later, Avery’s friend arrives at her apartment with a Christmas tree. Avery and her friend chit chat while they decorate. Avery tells her friend how she walked out of the first lesson and how much of a disaster she was in general. So Avery decides to go back and apologize the next day.

The next day, Nicky takes Avery back to apologize to Roman. She walks in on him dancing with Elina, the lead instructor at the studio and Nicky’s mom. Nicky apologizes to Roman on Avery’s behalf. Roman tells Avery that he and the lead instructor, Elena are practicing for the “Christmas Waltz” which is a show coming up at some theatre. And then they go right into their lesson. Avery continues to be a big mess. Roman has an idea to maybe loosen her up.

As they head out, Avery asks why he has an English accent since he is apparently Russian. She is so fed up with his sass that she throws a snowball at him. Then Roman falls pretty hard. She takes him to the hospital to get checked out. The doctor asks him to pull his finger to check his head. What kind of hospital is this?

Avery takes Roman back to his house. She asks if there is anyone he can call to take care of him. NO GIRLFRIEND.

Avery arrives at Roman’s house the next morning to check on him. He’s JUST AS SASSY AS EVER. Avery waltzes in to make him coffee. Roman is like, oh no. You’re one of those people. A morning person. So that’s great. She just sets herself up in his kitchen to start cooking for him. Roman shows her his little matrushka Christmas tree and tells her a story from his childhood. Avery makes poor Roman a burned egg sandwich. He is a good sport about eating it. Then Avery asks him to demonstrate that his balance is restored and he hams it up.

Back at the studio, Elina scolds Roman for goofing around outside. Then, Roman gives Avery her own matrushka doll. Then it’s dance time. Roman turns out the lights so Avery won’t look down at her feet.

Meanwhile, Avery attends her work Christmas party. Her boss wants to put her on a big new account. Then Avery gets a call from Roman. Roman’s parents have asked for Avery to attend their Christmas party. AVERY ASKS TO CHECK HER SCHEDULE. Avery!! Just go, meet the family! Says her friend. The friend talks her into going.

That night Avery catches Roman practicing alone. She brings him a gingerbread cookie. Then she tells Roman she will attend her parents’ Christmas party.

Then we have a montage of several dance lessons, including Avery practicing in the elevator at work.

At Roman’s party, there are so many feral children running around. This is the merriest bunch of Russians I’ve ever seen in my life. Nicky is all sugared up for sure. Roman tells Avery wants to open another studio closer to his family’s house. And he needs help expanding his business because he’s an artist not a busy business person. Avery offers to help him.

Then Avery meets Roman’s mom. She puts both of them right to work at the stove. And now they abandon the sauce on the stove to sprinkle cookies with powdered sugar. Then Roman feeds Avery one. NO. Let me take my own dang bite!!

Elina asks Roman if anything is going with Avery. Maybe there should be!!! After the party, they walk and talk on the sidewalk. Avery shares how like mega wealthy her family is. And then they decide to start dancing. Everyone dies of embarrassment.

The next day, Avery and her friend go shopping. She asks where Avery’s “Christmas Glow” is coming from. Then she asks if Avery’s heard from David at all. Not a word in weeks!

Back at work, the Allegra contract deadline is bumped up to December 18. He is concerned whether she can handle it. He says she’s seemed distracted and had a little hiccup in her personal life…WHOA he’s in dangerous territory there.

Later, Avery arrives to the dance studio a little late. Roman organized a virtual receptionist finally! He’s already getting more students! Well, duh. She asks him what he plans to do next to add a studio in Brighton Beach.

Roman asks if she’d like to practice the Christmas Waltz dance with him. And then he gives her tickets to the performance. It’s on her wedding day! But Avery is glad to go to this instead.

Later, Avery seemingly works late. She pauses to dance in her office in a beret. Then she realizes she’s supposed to be making dinner for her parents. She orders take out and then her dad doesn’t even show up! Avery asks her mom if they can do something different than their usual Christmas Eve tradition. Avery tells her mom she wants to take them to the Christmas Waltz show too. Then Roman texts to see if she can meet him in Brighton Beach the following day.

He asks her to help him look at some of the spaces he scoped out for the studio. The first space is all decorated for Christmas because they use it for event space. They decide to try it out as a dance floor. Then they have a whole mess of a…I don’t know what that was. I feel uncomfortable and Avery ends up mildly injuring Roman. Then they decide to do some work on his business plan. Anyway, so wait, she’s a lawyer? What does she know about business plans? Do business lawyers help make business plans? I don’t know about that.

The next day, David is waiting in Avery’s office with like, a butt load of flowers. David is like, where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you. Then Avery’s like, what is happening? This is like super inappropriate for you to come to my work. David gives a very…uncompelling speech about getting back together.

Then David decides to stop by the dance studio! What is going on! David introduces himself as “Avery’s David.” David is like super condescending to him. David tells Roman that he and Avery are “trying to work things out.” David asks Roman not to “complicate things.” Dude, so far David is like an actual Hallmark bad guy!! Usually the ex boyfriends still aren’t that bad. Not even my half asleep husband can believe this guy right now!!!

Later, Avery stops by the dance studio for her last lesson. Roman is standoffish and cold. Avery wants to book more classes but now Roman needs to check his schedule. Roman deflects by saying he’s preoccupied because an investor is coming to watch the big show. Oh poor Avery. He is very professional and formal with her. She kind of tears up and decides to leave. She gives him his business plan and then she leaves.

The next day at work, the ALLEGRA DEAL IS NOT FINISHED. Her assistant thinks she’ll be able to help. But, Avery does get it done in time! Then Avery gives her assistant her bonus check. Avery looks at all the flowers on her desk and calls David.

David and Avery meet for a drink later. David re-proposes. Then, David is like, of course Roman is your friend. He’s getting a free lawyer. And then David has to admit he stopped by to talk to Roman. Avery is like, you only think about yourself! GIRL, BYE. Outside, Avery tries to call Roman. He ignores it. Well, what can you do?

In the morning, Elina calls Roman to talk about the performance and she thinks something is wrong. Roman says he found out that Avery is back with David. Elina is like, Roman have you done your due diligence on this? Roman is like, well, no I haven’t. I did just kind of jump to conclusions.

At home, Avery looks at her little matrushka doll. Then she looks at her theatre tickets. I suppose she is considered whether or not to go now.

Avery’s friend arrives at her house to go to the show. She is all dressed up and Avery is not ready to go. Avery’s friend knocks some SERIOUS SENSE into her.

At the theatre, Roman gets a call from Elina. She is somehow stuck in traffic!! She isn’t going to make it to the show? What in the world?

Avery and her friend arrive at the theatre with no trouble. No one else seems impeded from arriving at the show except Elina. Then Roman talks to his investor before the show in his dressing room. He’s stoked to see the whole performance. Roman hands him his “business plan.” In the audience, Avery waves to Roman’s family. Then Roman texts Avery to meet him backstage. We see the kids dance. Nicky is VERY INTO IT.

Backstage, Roman asks Avery to do the dance number with him. Oh Roman, really? There’s no one else? What about Nicky? Nicky gives Avery a weak thumbs up when he learns she’s going to be dancing with Roman. Right before they’re supposed to go on, Avery explains that she and David are OVER.

Then they dance to “The Christmas Waltz.” Again, I like the Harry Connick, Jr. version better, personally. Her family is like BLOWN away. Also, what a testament to his dance instruction for that investor, am I right? WHOA! And then they KISS AT THE END OF THE SONG! That probably wasn’t part of it though, right? WHAT? And then it’s just over.

So, this one was okay. It was definitely better than I thought it would be. I kind of liked that the ex-boyfriend was like genuinely up to no good. Usually they are perfectly nice guys but just you know, not running their own small town coffee shop or handy man business. There wasn’t a lot of like…Christmas moments in this one though. It definitely had some Christmas feels, but in general, it seemed like this story just happened to take place at Christmas. So, yeah, this one was fine! Let’s see how it scores: 4/20

1. Clumsy meet cute
2. Snowball fight
3. A sassy and wise best friend
4. Christmas montage

Alright so we are on night FIVE of the Thanksgiving movies. How fitting that this movie is called “FIVE STAR CHRISTMAS.” Only THREE MORE to go for the weekend. (Cry face emoji). We don’t have a minute to waste so let’s dive in?

The movie begins at BRAND CORP and there is bouncy Christmas music playing. Lucy crushed a deal because the other brand corp did a terrible job at marketing or whatever. Also, what about SHAWN? Asks Lucy’s assistant. They broke up a month ago. He chewed with his mouth open. Lucy bought her assistant a plane ticket so he could go home to see his family.

Will and Susanne are driving and talking about traveling the world and working. That sounds fun in a world where there was no covid.

Then a girl gets off the bus to get in her grandpa’s ancient car. He doesn’t seem to know how to drive though. Or where he is. Or what year it is?

Lucy strolls through town and then stops in to see Mr. Donahue. She needs a cup of hot chocolate. Then Lucy goes to grab a sassafras candy cane but UH OH an elderly man wants the same one. There is only one. She bets him for it. They are trying to…bore each other to death with facts about sassafras? What even is “sassafras?” And then the guy left the candy cane for her and paid for it. How many more times am I going to have to type “sassafras’ though?

She is very surprised upon arriving to her parents’ house for some reason. There is a note for her inside. Then her dad and her brother Will, and his wife, Susanne arrive. So everyone is like…so why is our house an Inn now? Lucy HATES IT. Everyone else is like, well yeah this is definitely weird.

Lucy’s little sister, Amber and her grandpa arrive. The dad is more mad that Amber’s hair is pink.

Okay the dad says he was a park ranger? And he has that…GIANT HOUSE? Big enough to turn into an Inn? NO. Sorry.

Ted gathers the whole gang into the living room. He thought turning their house into a B&B was a great way to fight loneliness and earn some money. I guess? He’s only been open a month and wanted to surprise his family. This dad is apparently an IDIOT. His daughter could have helped him with a business plan and his son works in IT. TED!

The family decides their best strategy is to try and get this revered B&B critic to stay at their place. Lucy is still unhinged and no one else cares. I certainly don’t.

Lucy stomps out to get her luggage. Her dad is like, I was so lonely in this house by myself LUCY GIVE ME A BREAK.

Ted tells Lucy that he has enough money to stay operational for 2 months. Then a woman shows up and needs to call AAA but Ted offers to help. Lucy notices the woman’s bag has the initials BT…like Bea Turner the B&B Critic. She asks if they have any vacancies. She was going to stay at a B&B up the road but thinks maybe she’ll stay here now. They all creep at the window watching her with their dad.

Lucy suggests they all pretend to be guests and staff. Amber wants to be the chef. She knows how to cook since she has an apartment off campus! Lucy pats her on the head and suggests she find something else to do.

Will and Susanne are just straight up nonsense. The grandpa, Walter has adopted a new accent. The brother and his wife are just nonstop silly gooses. Beth observes something on the fireplace. Ted says his wife made it. She died 15 years ago.

Then Sassafrass boy shows up. He is OBVIOUSLY BEA TURNER. He wants a room too. Jake is doing a “geological survey.” Poor Grandpa Walter is barely keeping himself together. How is he supposed to be the handy man?

Lucy carries Jake’s bag and takes him to his room. She asks how Jake heard about them. The post cards that his dad placed around town!

Amber does a TERRIBLE JOB for dinner. She makes a gross looking green stew. She says it’s “cheap and does the trick.” DOES WHAT TRICK THOUGH? They all wait until Beth tries it. She loves it. Jake likes it too. But is that all they’re eating? Amber, I mean Francesca the chef, is very hard on herself.

Will and Susanne continue to be OUT OF CONTROL. Poor Grandpa Walter is just trying to remember where he is. Jake says he’s heading to Berlin soon. Will and Susanne pretend they’ve been there. They are TERRIBLE AT IT. Grandpa Walter just wants to eat that nasty soup in peace. Then the power goes out while Amber/Francesca tries to Vitamix them all some smoothies.

Then, their grandma, Margo arrives. Lucy takes her outside to give her the rundown. She wants to be an eccentric guest too!

The next morning, Beth takes photos in the kitchen. Margo shows up and is VERY WEIRD with Beth. VERY WEIRD. So weird that Beth leaves.

Lucy and Amber get coffee and Lucy gives her some sister advice about college. They see Jake there. He’s already done his geology for the day so he’s just inputting data. Lucy invites him for brunch.

Is it the NEXT DAY already? Anyway, everyone is eating breakfast together. It’s all cheap little college student meals but everyone loves it. The brother’s wife grabs a pregnancy test from the general store! AH.

Back at the Inn, all the guests make a snowman together. Lucy falls on her bottom pretty hard and Jake takes her inside to recover. OKAY IF ONE MORE GUY LIFTS ONE OF THESE LADIES UP. Also is she wearing Uggs with no socks? Jake knows a thing or two about ankles since his mom was a nurse. Lucy shares that this was their childhood home before. Jake makes her some tea. What is this, ENGLAND?

Francesca/Amber gets sent inside for scarves for the snowman. Instead she finds a box of her mom’s cookbooks…in the mud room. You know, where you store old boxes of cookbooks.

In the bathroom, Lucy’s sister in law finds out she’s pregnant.

Francesca plugs one cord from the camcorder into her computer and is able to play all the videos. Well that scene of her watching her mom was sad.

Lucy wakes up to the sound of chopping wood outside? She GOES OUTSIDE. She decides a giant ornamental candy cane will be a good defensive weapon. Jake doesn’t apologize for chopping wood in the middle of the night. Then they both look up at the stars. And then they decide to sit by the fire Jake made and chit chat. Jake tells her he’s looking for Iron deposits. It is created from exploding stars? Is that right?

Lucy tells him about her family a little bit. Lucy tells him when her mom died as well. They end up just chatting for a long time.

The next morning, it’s Ted and Beth’s turn to chat. Beth says she retired from teaching. Her husband passed away five years ago.

In the bathroom, Lucy and her sister in law have some girl talk in the bathroom. She heard Lucy and Jake talking last night. The sister in law says she thinks maybe she wants to start a family. I think she tells Lucy that she’s pregnant? I’m not sure. Lucy’s reaction is…weird. But she does give her good advice.

Then Ted, Jake and Lucy decide to go get a tree. Jake grabs the first tree in the lot.

They head back to the Inn. Beth shares that she’s decided to stay another night. Poor grandpa Walter wanders in with the Christmas decorations and says he doesn’t know where the decorations are. Beth offers to drive Ted into town later to play Santa. So now the whole FAMILY can decorate the tree. It is a FULL BLOWN MONTAGE situation.

Jake offers to help Lucy set up the Santa stand in town. Then Jake gets a call. They need HIS REVIEW OF THE RALSTON INN. DUH. Anyway, his review isn’t quite ready.

Margo helps Amber in the kitchen. They have a nice moment talking about how poor Amber has to make the entire Christmas dinner. Back at the Christmas Festival, the owner of a different Inn approaches and wants to talk to her about her crazy dad but Lucy is like No, let’s do that later!! OKAY BYE. Lucy takes Jake on a tour of all things PINE in town. Beth helps Ted get all ready to play Santa. Ted is nervous.

Outside, Ted like refuses to put on the Santa beard? He’s just holding it.

Lucy tells Will and Amber that they can’t go to the Christmas Festival in case someone recognizes them. But WHY WOULD THAT MATTER. Will decides to sneak out and go. The grandpa and grandma both want to go too. So everyone sneaks out and goes. Lucy tries to distract the other Inn owner from seeing any of them. But then Jake approaches Lucy and is like did you call those guests different names? So Lucy decides to come clean because she’s so sure Beth is “Bea.” Then she asks Jake to play along.

Amber talks to the general store owner about a particular ingredient for Christmas-star anise. He has a little that he gives her for free.

Beth walks around with Lucy and Jake. They run into Margo too but Walter is nowhere to be found. They find him at an ugly sweater contest. He seems both surprised that he won and that his name is Walter.

Lucy sings a step a head of everyone in the little town sing along.

Susanne finally tells Will that she’s pregnant. She thinks he’ll be bad.

Lucy sings to herself until Jake compliments her. Then Lucy like half insults/half compliments Jake and then THEY KISS. I accidentally hit my husband on the head really hard I’m so shocked.

Margo and Lucy talk the next morning about Jake. She says Lucy should follow her heart.

Poor Walter is loading firewood with Ted. They talk about BETH. Walter tells Ted he should probably tell Beth the truth if he really likes her. Also, Walter is ONLY 67. HALLMARK. TED AND WALTER ARE ONLY FIVE YEARS APART.

Susanne gets all freaked out reading about pregnancy. Then she and Will have a nice moment.

Later, all the guests make taffy together. And now we have a taffy pulling montage. That’s a first. Then they blow a circuit again. Lucy offers to go reset it. After she resets it, she creeps on Jake’s computer which didn’t go black in all that time. Back downstairs, she gives Jake a look like she’s mad. He follows her outside. She’s like why weren’t you honest with me?! Jake is like, um hello, kettle? Wait what happened? Moving on is in his blood? LUCY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. So I guess now Jake has to leave. Then the crew comes clean with Beth about what they were up to.

Later, Amber tells her dad that she wants to go to culinary school.

Then Ted and Lucy talk outside by their fire. Ted is worried he messed things up for Lucy and Jake. Ted thinks what he saw between them was real.

At some point later (WHAT TIME IS IT?) Ted walks Beth out. He asks her to stay. She can’t disappoint her cousins in Maine and she doesn’t feel like its right to stay with just the family. But guess what, Beth? TED LIKES YOU. She does decide to stay a little longer.

EVEN LATER STILL, Lucy wanders aimlessly around town. Amber calls and tells Lucy that Jake is still in town! Lucy runs into the general store to get some sassafras candy canes. She starts to run to Jake but he’s outside singing “Blue Christmas” to her. She starts singing along with him and then they kind of dance together. So that’s cute. THEY’RE BOTH SORRY. AND THEN THEY KISS.

Back at the Inn, everyone is reading Jake’s review. A FIVE STAR REVIEW. Ted wants to hire more staff. Poor Walter says he needs a job.

Then, it must be Christmas morning. Everyone is opening gifts. Even Beth got a book about remodeling her home. Lucy gets Jake a butt load of sassafras candy canes for Jake. Then Will and Susanne announce their new baby. EXCITING TIMES.

AND IT’S STILL NOT OVER OMG. They eat dinner-MOM’S RECIPE. Jake gives a little speech. Now it’s Lucy’s turn. Alright NOW it’s over.

So this one got off to a rough start in my view. But there were several funny moments. The family hamming it up was pretty great. So it was better than I thought. There was a little bit of silly nonsense in it of course but it was definitely a fun, light hearted movie! Definitely worth watching. Let’s see how it scored: 5/20.

1. Clumsy meet cute
2. Christmas Festival
3. Christmas Baking
4. Nonsense drama
5. Christmas montage