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The Mistletoe Secret aired on the Hallmark Channel on November 10. I was looking forward to watching this movie because I read the book last year. No, watching Hallmark Movies is not enough for me during the Christmas season. I also read and listen to Christmas books. Well guess what? This movie took some SERIOUS LIBERTIES with the book.

In fact, it seems like the only thing that stayed the same were the location and the main two characters’ names. I think maybe the business names were the same also. Anyway, that was disappointing. But I’m not sure I need a movie version of the actual book because there’s some Christmas-y stalker vibes in that story.

The movie begins at the Mistletoe Diner. Aria, the sassy southern belle that owns the diner…in Midway, Utah…is about to start a “Christmas Council” meeting. She is a no nonsense control freak. Can’t let anyone help her with anything. Business in Midway has been slow lately because the big fancy ski resort is keeping people away. I don’t understand. Anyway, Aria has the solution to their problems. She plays a clip from a travel show. The host, Sterling Masters chooses the best place to spend the holidays each year. He has three finalists. One of them is Tokyo and another one is Midway, Utah. And those towns are usually put in similar categories a lot. They won’t know which one is selected until the first article is posted on his website.

Over at Sterling’s HQ we meet Sterling and Alex. Alex is his ghostwriter. They’ve been best friends for ten years. Sterling is the face and poor brunette, bearded Alex is the ugly step sister. Oh wait. The step sister is the bad guy. So Alex is Cinderella. But he’s like Rachel Leigh Cook in She’s All That. Just get that girl some contacts and she’s good looking! Except their differing degrees of attractiveness is not really a plot point of this movie. Just an observation because it seems like they don’t ever want Alex to see the light of day or a camera. Why does Alex have to be a ghost writer? Why can’t Sterling just be the host and Alex be the credited writer? I feel like that is a common thing, right? Can’t they be Elton and Bernie? Anyway, Alex is going to Utah because it is more convenient for Sterling. Have fun girl!

Aria is singing and decorating part of the diner. She’s decorating it for a silent auction I think? People can bid on ornaments and the money will go to the rec center. I am always so underwhelmed by the places they decide will get fundraising money. Maybe they are tired of always saying “homeless shelter”. Or maybe they don’t want us to think there are any homeless people in these towns? Anyway, Aria doesn’t want anyone to help her. Not even her poor old dad who’s come just in time for her to be basically all done.

Alex is in his rental car just grumbling about how there’s no place to stop and eat anywhere. Oh good. He sees a place that looks open. The Mistletoe Diner. He walks in and Aria is still singing I think. He is so glad she’s open and he helps her put back an ornament that dropped. He’s starving and she finally agrees to serve him some pie. He loses his mind over the pie and ends up taking the entire thing home. They chat about his life in the big city and he makes up a backstory for himself. Because NO ONE CAN KNOW WHO HE IS. Travel blogging is SERIOUS BUSINESS. It would be ruinous if someone discovered Sterling was just the pretty face on camera and didn’t do his own research and stuff.

The next morning, Aria is over at the Sugarplum Lodge helping the owner decorate. Alex is totally creeping at a table around the corner. But in fairness, they are kind of talking in the common area. They’re talking about whether Sterling is there and about rude, grouchy Alex. And then they start talking about a “Mistletoe Man”. That sounds weird. She sees Alex lounging with a beautiful spread of breakfast items and Aria accuses Alex of being jealous of Sterling. And she’s probably a little right. Boy, she is obsessed with this travel blogger.

Back at the diner and they’re having what Hallmark would like you to believe is “banter”. Guys, I don’t want to make specific criticisms about people doing their best, but Kelly Pickler is not good in this movie. She is not a good actress. This movie might have been okay if they had cast someone else. I mean I think they’ve got the cutest Hallmark guy in this one! But she is terrible and all of her scenes are painful to watch. But I feel fine saying this because she made more doing one month of work for this movie than I will probably make in 5 years at my job.

So they’re “bantering”. Then poor haggard Santa (Mack) shows up. He has some serious ailments in this movie and no one seems to care about him. He and Alex kind of bond at the table and Mack tells him about the Christmas tree lighting that night. Alex learns he is Aria’s dad. Now seems as good a time as any to ask why ONLY ARIA HAS A SOUTHERN ACCENT. Mack tells Alex about the Midway Christmas Passport program. He can get stamps by participating in Christmas activities. The whole town is hoping this travel blogger will save their dying town.

Alright it’s the Christmas Tree Lighting. This woman, who’s name I didn’t bother to write down, starts giving a dramatic speech about the tree or Christmas or Midway or something. But then a big gust of wind picks up and takes away all her notecards. And she has no idea what to say. Aria steps up and gives the rest of the speech? Or does she speak from her heart? I’m not sure. We’re supposed to be impressed but she doesn’t actually do a good job giving the speech so I’m not. I think they ADR’d all of Aria’s scenes and this one is painfully obvious.

The tree is not one of Hallmark’s best. It is tall and skinny. Why are so many of the trees tall and skinny? There are more s’more stations set up. Hallmark is truly shaking my closely held beliefs in Christmas traditions. Am I to believe that S’mores and snickerdoodles are now Christmas things? I just need some time to process all of this. Aria sits down next to Alex and we learn that he had to look up a video on how to roast a marshmallow. I weep quietly for their childhoods. And then he tells Aria you have to put the marshmallow by the “ambers”… And I think he means “embers” but no one bothered to correct him or try that scene again. Anyway, they’re still doing it wrong. Even if they don’t want to eat them the correct way-which is totally charred- they’re still not cooking them long enough. And then they do the most INSANE thing of all. They don’t even make a s’more. They just eat the marshmallow off the stick. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS TOWN?

Aria asks about the “mystery novel” Alex is working on. He makes up a plot that includes a Christmas tree. Then they go get hot chocolate. Thank goodness they’re calling it hot chocolate. If they get mugs instead of to-go cups I am going to throw this tablet across the room. Okay good. Regular cups.

Poor, decrepit Mack hobbles over to them. They talk about getting a tree the next day but he is too old and feeble to do it. Reminder, this is the dad from Step by Step so he’s not that old. But maybe Alex wants to help? She asks him to pick her up and 10 and he seems taken aback. I can’t tell if he thinks that’s too early or too late. Personally, I think it’s too late. But my kids are up at 7 AM no matter what day it is or what time they went to bed the night before.

Aria and her dad talk about Alex. He is such a curmudgeon. And WORST of all his qualities is that he doesn’t like the host of the travel blog show she is obsessed with.

They are at the tree farm. Aren’t they in Utah? Go get you a $10 Forest Service permit, y’all! Don’t over pay for Christmas trees if you don’t have to. So here they are instead. Paying $90 to cut down a Christmas tree farm tree. Alex doesn’t know what to do so Aria presumably helps him. But they don’t show that. After picking out the tree, they get more hot chocolate. And then they stand in line for the carriage ride and decide they should take a selfie. But then they ask someone else to take the picture. In case I forget to mention this, later Aria sends this picture to Alex and THEY’RE NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. Then they wander around a Christmas market and Alex gets his passport stamped. They look at some pretty great ugly Christmas sweaters. I really want that cat one. Alex is pretty great here. Aria tells him they have a Christmas sweater decorating party at the diner and that is the only way he can get his ugly sweater stamp. How many residents of that town have time to make an ugly sweater instead of just buying one?

Alex talks to Sterling again. He needs to get his article up! The town needs to know we’ve selected them!

So they’re at the party. This actually seems like a fun idea and we haven’t seen this type of activity in a Hallmark movie yet. Aria is wearing a great green turtleneck. They’re again having a “conversation” and “bantering”. Aria is just over the moon because the article is out and Midway was selected. She keeps looking around to see if Sterling is there. After they’re done with their sweaters, he asks her to decorate the tree in the diner. She mentions something about a mistletoe man again. And well, what in the world is that about? I vaguely remember something about that in the book. I think it was edelweiss in the book. And that is kind of Christmas-y right? Anyway, edelweiss actually makes more sense which is probably why it’s written that way in the book.

So they decorate the tree and then they win the contest. Mack shows up from God knows where and is like, oh I missed the party? Is anyone going to check on this man or ask what’s going on with him? He again complains about his back and I do think we need to pause the movie and make sure he’s okay. Aria invites Alex to the Christmas market on Saturday. There is also a dance after. Maybe he wants to go? Oh it’s too early for this.

The whole town is just raving about all that Sterling has done for their community. Apparently the world waits with bated breath to see where Sterling says they should spend the holidays. Then they just load up in the car and go there. What if he had picked Tokyo? But the blog even works on Sterling! He’s so stoked about Midway after reading Alex’s posts that he decides to go there. And he’s going to do a book signing there. This is the first Alex has heard about a book. So they just slapped a book together, got it printed and now are going to do a signing in Midway? Yep, that’s how books work.

Sterling is HERE! He waltzes in to the diner and is shaking hands and taking pics. Alex is wearing a fantastic blue sweater and I’m wondering if it comes in women’s. Also, WHERE ARE THESE FROM? I went shopping last weekend and I didn’t see any of these colors. But I’m guessing they are not buying them at the Outlet mall. Also, this is the first time I realize that Sterling is a robot. Like a lifelike robot. Kind of like when Tim Allen plays a Santa Robot in the Santa Clause 2.

Aria sees Sterling and literally (and figuratively) drools all over him like my dog when he sees us eating popcorn. He asks her to be his VIP guest at the Christmas market.

Later, Alex talks to Sterling about wanting to write his own stuff and use his own name. I just want to point out again that I don’t understand how they got here. Why can’t they have always had the dynamic where Sterling is on camera and Alex is behind the scenes but credited? Is it because of his brown hair? Is it because he’s short? Is it because he wears floor length sweaters? But Sterling is not interested in any of that. Sterling is putting in his best effort on Aria but he doesn’t really need to work that hard. She gives him a pie. He accepts but reminds her he’s a robot so he can’t eat pie. Aria’s friend cannot keep cool and literally throws herself at Sterling to get a selfie. As they walk away, Alex catches up to Aria. Aria is like, isn’t it so great that Sterling is going to read your books? You’ve got a mentor! And I think Alex’s hair literally catches on fire from the rage boiling up inside him. And yet he’s still interested in her. So he asks if she’ll be at the dance that night.

So this is a really fancy dance. Everyone is wearing really fancy clothes. I have a hard time believing that a small town would do this every year. But here we are. Aria is wearing a great dress. Alex immediately asks her to dance and I appreciate him being forthright. Sterling the robot shows up though and swoops in and needs to talk to the “Christmas Council”. But not without their president, Aria! While he’s meeting with them, he is getting a little tripped up since he didn’t write any of the articles. He forgets that he has already been to the tree lot.

Back at the hotel, Alex and Sterling are having a conversation in the lobby. They are both slouched in their chairs and not looking at each other. Sterling is chattering away about Aria and Alex is not paying attention or something? Anyway, Sterling says he decided to stay because they comped him the presidential suite there. So they’ve got a presidential suite at this tiny boutique hotel. He says he really likes Aria. And then he promises to help Alex with his publisher. And I feel like Alex should already be part of those meetings. Sterling doesn’t seem to know anything about his own blog posts. So how was he having all these meetings about compiling all those posts into a book? How did Alex not know anything about this? And do we think the same contact for blog compilation books is managing the mystery novel accounts?

The next morning, Aria is wearing THE CUTEST SWEATER I’VE SEEN this season. I MUST have it. But I have no idea where she got it. Also, I’m not buying it if it’s more than $30.

They are at Mrs. Claus’s Christmas Tea. How are they getting anyone to go to this? Aria tells Alex what her favorite tea is. She loves cinnamon. Sterling shows up and Alex, Aria and Sterling are going to sit together. Aria runs off to do something real quick. So, Sterling orders for her. He gets her peppermint tea. Can you get coffee instead though? Anyway, peppermint is the WRONG thing to get Aria. Alex subtly swaps her because he ordered the kind she likes.

Sterling messes up again when he mentions Alex’s pointsettia allergy. How would he know that? Aria asks. Sterling then tells a boring and pretentious story about tea ceremonies in Japan.

Next up, an ACTUAL Christmas Scavenger Hunt. The town has to pair up and find the pieces of a snowman around town. Sterling grabs Aria and Alex goes with the woman who was playing Mrs. Claus and bombed at the tree lighting. I think Aria and Sterling won but I wasn’t paying attention.

Afterwards, Alex and Aria catch up. She says she has a hard time doing things for fun. She always did all the work on group projects and never wants for help. Is this supposed to be charming?

Back at the diner, Alex is working on the latest article. Sterling seems appreciative of Alex’s work, but he’s a robot so he can’t show many emotions. He snaps a picture in the diner to contribute to the article. He’s helping!! Then he leaves.

Mack shows up. Now he’s trying out a southern accent too. Just give it up, man. Anyway, we finally get to the bottom of the Mistletoe Man thing. Basically two guys are vying for the affection of a princess. One is an arrogant prince and the other is a knight. The knight goes through the hassle of finding mistletoe and brings it to her. And the princess is like, cool but how can you capitalize this skill and provide for our family? And the knight is like, I was hoping you would do that part.

So this is where it would have made sense to not change edelweiss to mistletoe. Edelweiss grows on rocky cliffs and there is German folklore about men getting it for women to prove their love. Mistletoe is a parasitic plant that grows on other trees and shrubs. So, I mean, it’s just not as impressive that a guy is able to procure that for his best gal. But here we are at the Mistletoe Diner and Mack is tasked with connecting some dots.

Alright so here we are at the…silent auction? Everyone can bid on ornaments. Where did these ornaments come from? Why should people pay top dollar for them? Don’t know. Or I missed it. Anyway, Aria is wearing a great dress. She gets a 10/10 for outfits in this movie.

Mack is HUSTLING for Alex with what little remaining strength he has. He tells him to bid on the MISTLETOE ornament. Alex bids $500 even though the present highest bid is like $60. Sterling notices this and swoops in and bids $1000. Basically just to be a show off. He then tells a story about Germany.

The next morning, Aria wears another excellent sweater. She talks to her dad. She says Sterling is “the Mistletoe Man”. This plot point is so ridiculous and unnecessary. She can just say she prefers him, right? What type of grown woman is structuring her romantic life around this folklore story? So anyway, her dad can’t talk any sense into her and she’s off to get ready to go out to eat with Sterling.

At dinner and Sterling has preprogrammed some great lines into his core processor. Aria is the star at the top of the Christmas tree. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever received a Christmas themed compliment from my husband in the nearly 11 years we’ve been together. I’m going to mention this to him.

Sterling just can’t keep his story straight. He mentions he was going to leave until he met her. And he doesn’t have a Christmas passport!!! And then he says my favorite line of his. Aria asks how he knew about the Mistletoe Man because the most recent article talks about that “famous” folklore. And Sterling says, “Mistletoe Man? I thought it was pie!” It should only be a pie. But not literally mistletoe pie because I’m pretty sure mistletoe is poisonous.

He then fesses up. He feels no guilt or remorse because he is a robot. He also says Alex agreed to help him get to know Aria in exchange for getting him a meeting with the publisher. I do not remember this at all and Sterling doesn’t seem to even need Alex’s help because Aria has been drooling all over him every time he’s around. But meeting her changed everything for him. Doesn’t that count for something? No. She has to go find Alex. She doesn’t offer to pay for her half of the dinner.

She finds Alex and is really upset with him too. Is she more upset about the deception or the fact that he’s an adult man wearing loungewear in a common area of a hotel? He doesn’t deny this agreement but we NEVER see them act on this alleged agreement so this is weird. So she storms out.

The next morning, the robot has had a software update and recognizes that he messed things up for Alex. He wants Alex to start posting on the website under his own name…Basically taking my suggestion from earlier, I think? And since Aria won’t return his calls, Sterling suggests he write a personal post on the website about his feelings for Aria. They have a nice hug and Alex says, Merry Christmas, you giant! He is very tall. Or is Alex short? Don’t know. Don’t care.

Alex goes to the diner to make one last ditch effort to win Aria over. He sits while she stands and oh boy, that is one of the worst scenes in the movie. Have I mentioned that Kelly is terrible in this movie? I really hate to say that but it’s true. This scene was genuinely painful to watch. But she is wearing a great sparkly sweater. Alex leaves a gift for her on the counter and heads out.

A little later, Aria sees the gift and sits down with her dad and he shows her the article/love letter to her. She opens the gift and it’s the mistletoe ornament. So he gave her the ornament that Sterling paid for? She says she ruined things with him and wants to fix it. She comes up with a plan.

Back at the hotel, Alex is packing up to leave on Christmas Eve night. No point in staying, right? He got almost all of his stamps on his sad little passport. When he goes to check out, Mrs. Claus sneakily takes his car keys off the counter. How is he going to return his rental car? Oh, the hotel will do that. We’ll give you a ride to the airport! He gets in the car and Craig, who I’ve not mentioned here but has had some scenes with Alex, is the driver. And he is not being creepy at all. He tells Alex he can’t leave until he’s checked off Chestnut Canyon off his passport. Just real quick. Aria is there waiting for him and they have a brutal conversation and kiss. Yay. And then a shooting star flashes across the sky.

At Christmas dinner, Mack asks Alex who won-the knight or the prince? And well, first of all, are we sure Alex is the knight? And second, obviously he won because he’s there. And Aria asks what they’re talking about and Alex says, none of your business. It’s between us Mistletoe men. And then I threw my tablet across the room in disgust. So that’s the Mistletoe Secret. It should come as no surprise to you that I did not like this movie. It is so far the worst one. If you can’t keep up with the pace of four movies/weekend, give yourself a break and skip this one. Let’s see how this movie rates on our checklist:

• Small town person
• I am going to consider Alex stranded in this small town
• Christmas Gala (the fancy dance)
• Christmas Tree Lighting
• Christmas puns

Total score: 5/20

Alright, Picture a Perfect Christmas premiered on the Hallmark Channel on Saturday, November 9. I am going to put this title up there as one of the more terrible Hallmark movie titles this year. But it actually also makes sense as the title. Doesn’t make me hate it less.

The movie begins with a truly picture perfect family opening presents on Christmas. We quickly realize it is a photo shoot and Sophie, our lead, is the photographer. They’ve got all they need so she’s done. She gets a call from her agent that this ski company wants to book her for a shoot in the Alps after the New Year! But what is she going to do in the meantime? She’s usually so busy photographing over the holidays. Her agent tells her to enjoy Christmas and hang out with her boyfriend. Well, that’s going to be a problem isn’t it? This poor unassuming soul doesn’t know he’s in the beginning of a Hallmark movie and he won’t make it out alive…or as Sophie’s boyfriend or whatever.

They are meeting for dinner. Brent just got back from some crazy photo shoot and just got booked on another one! But he’s going to miss Christmas! He’s like, since when do you care? You only have one Christmas tree and one sad strand of garland on your mantel. You don’t even care about Christmas.

Next we meet David and Troy. Looks like a dad and his son at the coffee shop. They are trying to find a nanny or babysitter to watch Troy during Christmas break. Thy can’t ask Mrs. Griffiths, their elderly next door neighbor, because she hurt her foot and can’t walk on it. But Troy really likes her. They are stuck that evening though, so Troy goes over there. He helps her with some decorating and her dog, Riggs. He sees a picture of Mrs. Griffiths with Sophie! He asks who it is, and she says it’s her granddaughter. And then we learn that David is Troy’s uncle.

Back at her house, Sophie gets her lone box of Christmas decorations out to spite Brent and feels nostalgic. She calls her grandma and learns she has a broken foot! Since she has the time, she decides to go out to Bainbridge, Washington for Christmas and to help her grandma.

She tells her agent this and the agent is like, you’re helping with a pageant? I didn’t think those were real. Well, guess what girl? They’re not real. You’re in a Hallmark movie. Ain’t nobody got time for pageants out here in the real world.

When Sophie gets to Bainbridge it’s snowing. And I just don’t think it snows much in Bainbridge, WA. Unless Bainbridge is different than Bainbridge Island. And no, I’m not going to bother to do any research. I’ve got Hallmark movies to watch and judge! I don’t have time to fact check.

David is waiting for the prospective nanny he is going to interview. She is late. Grandma Louise tells Sophie she’ll just need some help around the house and driving her to the Christmas pageant planning meetings. Oh! Troy, the next door neighbor, left his hat here. Can you just take it over there real quick Sophie? He NEEDS it. GRANDMA LOUISE DOESN’T TAKE A SECOND OFF. Even on her broken foot. She is GETTING WORK DONE.

David is very huffy when Sophie arrives. He asks her if she’s CPR certified and if she likes kids and way too many more questions before Sophie tells him she’s just here to drop off a hat. Troy recognizes her from the picture. Sophie immediately starts trolling David and it’s great. Troy wants to help walk Riggs, the dog. Sophie says he can come along and asks David for his number. Love truth telling scenes like this. Sophie continues to tease David for grilling her like a nanny. Sophie goes all in and gives him her business card too. HOPE SHE GOT A GOOD DEAL ON VISTA PRINT.

They go on their walk and see a flyer for the pageant. They decide to stop by. Sophie is snapping pictures as they go. At the pageant venue, they meet a nice older man, Simon, who is helping out with the pageant. He encourages Troy to audition for the pageant.

The prospective nanny shows up and she is hilariously the worst. She says the reason she is late is “cars.” But also, it’s Seattle so that is actually a great way to explain herself. David politely shuts the door in her face.

When Sophie and Troy get home, Sophie asks if Troy can stay and help them do even MORE Christmas decorating. David is so appreciative.

Sophie and Louise talk about her current boyfriend. Louise has basically already made up her mind about Sophie’s future so she doesn’t really care to hear about Brent. Louise shares a little about her life with her now deceased husband. And that’s kind of nice. She also gives Sophie some background on Troy and David. David’s brother and sister-in-law died in a car accident. They’ve had a rough few years since then. David comes back to pick up Troy. He says he has to take Troy to work tomorrow because the nanny didn’t work out. Sophie asks David to talk outside and she offers to watch Troy. What else is she going to do? Hang out with her boring, crippled Grandma? I didn’t even see a TV in that house. David finally agrees to accept her offer of free child care.

The next morning, Sophie has a quick phone call with her boyfriend before he runs off on a helicopter. I’m pretty sure she is still in her pajamas when David drops Troy off in the morning. Poor David has on two different shoes. But they are tan and black so he must be really delusional.

He seems slightly late for work, but his bro Ross has him covered. He brought “Christmas” danishes to work. David mentions Sophie and Ross asks if she’s cute. Are you 12? He asks. Ross replies, sometimes! So Ross is all of us.

It’s pageant audition time. Louise meets Simon. Are there going to be TWO love stories in one movie? Troy auditions but is very shy and nervous. Sophie and Louise cheer emphatically for him. They call David. Troy was cast as Reindeer #5 and he couldn’t be happier. They are going to buy some toys for the toy drive and David wants to come! They all head to the toy store. David and Sophie bond while they shop. They talk about their careers and it’s really great.

Troy and Grandma Louise tag in and out, working as a TEAM for these two. She ends up getting roped in to getting a tree with the boys the next day. They realize what Grandma and Troy are doing and they dismiss the idea of them dating. Okay guys.

So the next morning, Sophie and her grandma talk more about Brent and how there’s nothing happening with David. But she will still go tree shopping. Just lower your expectations, Grandma!

They head out to the tree farm. Sophie knows a weird amount about trees. After selecting the tree, they speak my love language and decide to get hot chocolate and donuts. Troy downs his hot chocolate and asks for more. Sure, I’ve got money to burn on coffee shop hot chocolate! Here’s $10. Go buy more hot chocolate in a glass mug. Sophie and David have another great conversation. Boy, they’re really bonding aren’t they?

But then, David’s old girlfriend shows up? She’s so happy to see David. They should catch up! And it is from this angle that I really see David’s haircut for the first time and I am…undecided. Are the 90s back for men? Or what is happening with that shaggy poofy look?

As soon as they get home, Sophie sees she has a voicemail and her agent texted her that it is good news. David is so excited for her, he makes her listen to it right there. Surprise, surprise. She got the alps job! David is genuinely so happy for her and they hug. But, who just so happens to show up right then? Brent. He comes over and is actually really nice but obviously territorial and pees on David’s car. But then, he offers to help him take the tree inside. Sophie reminds him that he can’t pee on trees once they’re in the house.

They all eat dinner together and Brent chats away. He’s got all kind of stories. After dinner, he tells Sophie he has ANOTHER JOB after this one. Sophie realizes that’s not what she wants and ends things. WHAT! We’ve got an hour left! This is unconventional. She sends him out into the cold, dark night. Then she and her grandma have another lovely chat about relationships.

The next morning, Ross is over at David’s house. Sophie stops by to pick up Reindeer #5. Ross shares with us that David was Seattle’s Best Business Bachelor a few years ago. And he did a photo shoot and everything. Is this really something towns are categorizing? How many industries select their best single guy?

At practice, a fellow mom asks which boy is Sophie’s. She claims Troy as her own. They get hot chocolate after practice and just laughing it up. Her agent calls. What if Sophie stays in Bainbridge?

Back at home, David doesn’t want to ask Sophie to babysit for lunch the next day because it is a personal lunch. Oh, he’s asked ol Jodi to get together eh? What an idiot. They are going to decorate David and Troy’s tree. David and Sophie go up to find the tree decorations box. It is in a room that still hasn’t been unpacked. It is too hard for him to go through his brother’s stuff. And he has a Charles Dickens Christmas collection. How many Christmas stories did Charles Dickens write? I’m 90% sure it was just that one book. Again, I am not going to bother looking it up. They have an emotional moment looking in the box. David says he benefited from Toy Drives as a kid. Troy finally yells up at them, wondering what is taking so long. And now it’s time for a Christmas tree decorating montage.

Sophie is using the flash on her camera and is blinding Troy and David right and left. For some reason, the dog is over there too.

They flash the exterior of the house and I realize there is a GIANT GOLD NUTCRACKER on Grandma Louise’s porch. What is going on with that? How on earth did she get that put out? Where does she store it? Where did she buy it? I definitely am going to get one. Troy is over at their house frosting cookies. With a paintbrush. He is doing a terrible job, but the finished ones look perfect. Sophie has a cute half apron on. Sophie and Louise talk about how David is not on a date right now.

At lunch, Jodi tells David she is engaged. And then she really puts him in his place about their relationship from before. She seemingly waits until they are all done eating and all they have left is a cupcake each to break this news to him. She then asks about Sophie and doesn’t believe him when he says there’s nothing going on.

When he gets back, he invites Sophie to go ice skating. Oh, here we go. The ice is covered with Christmas decorations. You can barely skate. She’s got her hand on his arm. And she finally tells him that she broke up with Brent. Then they make all kinds of plans for after Christmas. David invites her to eat dinner with them. A puzzle montage! That’s new. Really hard to make doing a puzzle look interesting. Sophie blinds the boys again with her flash. David puts Troy to bed. Sophie comments on how she likes the song playing and oh no. Oh please don’t. And they’re slow dancing in the living room. I couldn’t feel more awkward if I was standing there in the room with them. They DON’T KISS because David doesn’t keep his phone on silent for some reason. And then he doesn’t even walk her home.

David is still working on an app idea and he thinks he’s come up with something. The next day he shares the idea with Ross. It’s an app that helps connect people that want to give at Christmas with people who need stuff. Remember that Hallmark movie that was based all around a dating app or something like that? I just feel Hallmark doesn’t do a great job coming up with pretend apps. I could have done without knowing much about David’s job. But, I guess we’ve got two hours to fill. Just throw in another Zales commercial, guys!

Oh no. Sophie gets a phone call. They’ve moved up the photo shoot! She has to leave on the December 23! She would miss the pageant! But she agrees to go. Look, there are very few things I would choose over A FREE TRIP TO THE ALPS okay? I’m married with three kids and I might choose that work trip over spending Christmas with them. So anyway, I don’t blame her.

David finds her at the park and he wants to tell her how he feels. She breaks the news to him. They have a nice, mature adult conversation about their time together but both feel sad that it has to end. He is very understanding and supportive of her dreams.

When she gets home, she has a heart to heart with her grandma. Her grandma is like two weeks is definitely long enough to know if someone is “the one” in a Hallmark movie!

Back at David and Troy’s, David is boldly rocking a red sweater. Troy wants to hang with the gals but David says no. He kind of sneaks out and goes next door anyway. Troy and Sophie have a sad little chat. David comes to get him. Sophie’s been wearing a lot of great red sweaters too. I can only afford one Christmas clothing article and now I don’t know what color to choose!! Red or Hunter Green? Or Burgandy!!!

Sophie looks through all her pics and selects some to email David. How did she get his email address?

Sophie is ready to head out and debates whether or not to stop next door first. Taxi shows up so the decision is made for her. Wow, it looks like she’s headed to the private airfield. Dang girl. Yeah I would definitely be choosing the Alps in this scenario. She gets out and sees a big angel on the top of the tree outside the “airport”. It looks just like the angel that David has.

It’s Christmas pageant time. Louise asks David if he saw Sophie’s email. He somehow hasn’t checked his email the entire day. So no, he didn’t get it. He looks at all the pictures right then. Troy tells David he asked for a family for Christmas. David slaps him and says, what am I? Chopped liver?

Ah! Sophie is bailing on the Alps! So surprising. What IS surprising is that her agent is really understanding and nice about it.

The boys decide to make Sophie a card right there at the pageant. For some reason there is a craft table set up in the back. Maybe for loud disruptive kids?

Uh oh. The kid that was supposed to be the lead has a cold. Can Troy step in? What about reindeer #5?! Oh sweet Troy. No one cares about reindeer #5. David gives old, elderly Louise an errand. He asks her to make sure Sophie gets the card. So now she’s got to make a special trip to the post office for you David? You think she has an envelope that size and the appropriate postage? David decides to go step outside because he is having a tough time.

Sophie arrives! Louise gives her the card they made. Troy drew a picture of the three of them in front of a tree. David writes a note inside. The note was clearly written by a female Hallmark employee. Sophie goes outside and leans against the railing next to David. They are so glad and they ALMOST KISS but then Sophie gets a text. They will let her wait until after New Year’s to go to the Alps. David wins an award for most supportive new Hallmark boyfriend. He is so excited for her and then he suggests that maybe he and Troy can come with her. That feels too soon, Sophie says. Just kidding she’s stoked about that. And THEN they kiss.

Inside, the pageant starts. Riggs the dog has filled in for Troy. Troy, how does it feel that your role can be replaced by a dog?! David puts his hand on Sophie’s. Then we see them all though the window on Christmas.

Let’s see how we did on our checklist:

• 2. Workaholic that is too busy for Christmas.
• 4. Single parent
• 6. Clumsy meet cute
• 7. Christmas pageant
• 11. Christmas baking
• 12. Winter athletics
• 20. Christmas montage

Total score: 7/20

Holiday for Heroes premiered on November 8 on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries. Just in time for Veterans Day. Hallmark seems to do at least one military movie a year these days and well, here we are. I really loved this movie, actually.

Okay so we have soldiers and Christmas happening in this movie. Am I going to cry in this movie? Definitely not. Not going to do it.

So the movie starts with Audrey putting on a record and roasting coffee in her barn. She sends a box of coffee to her brother overseas. A sergeant walks by and makes a comment about it. Devin, the solider, throws the bag to him. He decides to write her a letter to thank her. And then they start writing letters back and forth. All year! And then, well what do you know. Sergeant Evans gets stationed in Branford, CT for his last month of service. Then he can retire if he wants. He sends Audrey a letter but she doesn’t get it. I tell my husband this is kind of like his favorite Hallmark movie, “The Christmas Card” and he says, well why are you watching it without me? But I don’t have the time or the energy to wait for him.

So, he just shows up at the coffee shop she owns. The decorations in this coffee shop are absolutely out of control. More decorated than any place should be. There are like 6 trees out on the sidewalk. That can’t even be allowed!!

He first tries some lines on an employee and she is being very professional. And then Audrey comes around the corner and they realize who each other is and that doesn’t make me tear up a little bit. They catch up and then Audrey gets a phone call. Oh no. Devin, her brother, is going to be stuck overseas longer! He’s not coming home for Christmas. She tears up. And then another phone rings at the coffee shop and Audrey’s business partner answers. Her husband is in the same group stuck overseas. She passes the phone to her son and there is so much dust in the air in my house I need to clean up real quick.

Matt has agreed to help coach the hockey team so he is at practice. At this point, my almost 4 year old son says, “so, this a Christmas show but it hockey?” Yeah dude. It is. Aren’t we lucky? Matt knows that Jade’s son, Nathan is having a tough time at practice because he just got some sad news. He agrees to do some one on one coaching.

The next day, Matt is looking for Audrey but she is already at…THE CHRISTMAS TREE lighting. He walks over with Jade and Nathan. He sees Audrey talking to Luke, her realtor. Luke is really trying to do more than just get Audrey a lease on the vacant space next door to her coffee shop if you know what I mean. So anyway, Matt sees this so he hangs back. The tree is a long and skinny whoville tree and as far as Hallmark Christmas tree lightings go, it is underwhelming. The mayor is up at the podium announcing all the Christmas activities coming up. But she forgets to mention the “Holiday for Heroes” party! (Hey! That’s the name of this movie). It must be a mistake. Audrey asks her about it after the event and sure enough, it is NOT a mistake. Since the unit isn’t coming coming home, the town isn’t sponsoring the event. Oh and they’re not matching donations to the toy drive. Soldiers aren’t coming home? Then those poor parent less kids don’t need any presents either! The mayor is basically like, girl, bye. And then she walks off. My almost four year old then comments-So, you like girl shows? And boy shows? Yeah, man. I do.

So then, Audrey gets up on stage and says, hey they mayor totally sucks but we’re going to have the party anyway! And this time it’s not going to be government funded! So the party is going to happen and the city government of Branford can suuuuuuuuck iiiiiiiiit. Luke the realtor sweeps back in and Matt really feels threatened.

The next day, Jade and Audrey go to look at the space next door for their possible expansion. It is empty…except for Christmas decorations of course. They talk about adding a bakery which seems like an excellent idea. But dang, this space is expensive. They’ll have to crunch some numbers.

Back at the coffee shop, Audrey keeps looking at the door. Where’s Matt? Well he’s helping all the kids. He’s doing extra hockey practice and tutoring in history and just really getting plugged in. Audrey calls him and kind of asks him on a date. Audrey stops by the ice rink to bring him a flyer for the planning party and it is surprisingly decorated for Christmas. But also, she says it’s at a 4 out of 10 for Christmas enthusiasm. Well again, it’s a Christmas show, but it’s hockey. Matt is helping Nathan with his shot.

Later, Audrey is FaceTiming with Devin and he tells her that some of the soldiers don’t get any care packages from home. She decides to turn the planning party into a care package party and asks Jade to make 12 dozen snickerdoodles. Again I must ask, WHAT IS HALLMARK’S OBSESSION WITH SNICKERDOODLES.

So they are making care packages for all the soldiers from town. Matt gives a lovely speech about how much it means to get a care package, especially since he never got any. So that is not sad and I don’t do any crying about that. So everyone is volunteering for different projects and bless Luke the Realtor’s heart. He offers to make flyers. Matt offers to help do all the logistics before Luke can.

The next day, Matt is helping do the logistics. He does not know anything about party planning. Audrey is furious at this betrayal. Just kidding. She is not surprised. Carlos, the restaurant owner brings over some Egg Nog for them. He added Mexican hot chocolate. So that sounds gross across the board. Audrey can’t try it because she’s judging an egg nog contest. And well, what is wrong with these people? I try not to throw up as Matt tries his. It’s fine I guess. They bond over their love of history and Teddy Roosevelt. Then Audrey invites him to a Christmas event in town that night. Then she makes a s’more pun and he decides he’s not interested anymore.

So they show up to this s’mores event. And well, this actually looks really lovely and I would like to be part of it. Last year, we went out to this cute new part of town and they had a place where you could buy s’mores for $2 each and my husband and I felt that was too expensive. So, anyway, I hope these guys enjoy their $10 s’mores. Matt says he’s going to make her one but it’s a surprise so she has to leave for ten minutes and meet back up with him. And wouldn’t you know it, but he makes a really great s’more combo for her. I was really worried he was going to feed her the s’more and then I would have had to just turn the whole thing off. Luckily, he lets her eat it by herself. So again I say, this is a really lovely idea and I would definitely participate. But I would also probably bring my own s’more accoutrements. And yet, I must ask-since when are s’mores a Christmas thing? She rates his s’more a 10 on the Christmas scale though so I must be wrong. Remember the hockey rink was a 4.

The next day at work, Matt is talking to his commanding officer about his next steps. He has a job interview at a military school in Virginia. But his commanding officer wants him to re-enlist for three more years. He then calls Audrey and asks her on a date. She is with Jade and tries to say she’s too busy with all the Holiday for Heroes planning. But Jade is a great wingman and encourages her to say yes.

She heads to the rink and it is COMPLETELY decorated. Trees on the ice and all. She asks how he did all this and he said he owes it all to the hockey moms. I feel that is a pretty big favor to ask of those women. Anyway, the result is the hockey rink decorations receive an 11/10 rating. As they walk back through town, Matt shares that he has an interview with the military school. She offers to to make dinner for him when he gets back. He really missed home cooking.

He gets the job at the military academy and seems excited. Meanwhile, Audrey and Jade go look at the potential new coffee shop expansion space with the contractor. And Audrey asks him to if he could play Santa Claus at the party. Back at the coffee shop, Matt’s letter finally arrives! Oh no He’ll only be here for 30 days. She didn’t realize how short their time would be and it really bums her out.

At dinner, they talk about it a little bit. And then she invites him to do a special Christmas activity with her. Get the Christmas Tree for her barn! Back at the barn I realize how insane this place is. It’s decorated sort of like it could be a cutesy antique shop but also like a hang out place for ladies. So like, a giant she-shed. I’m sure the wasted barn space really bums Matt out but he doesn’t say anything. Also, is this the same barn from Blue Ridge Mountain Christmas?

They put up the tree and she gets emotional. This was the last thing they did with her parents before they headed out to a Christmas party and got in an accident. And she usually does this with Devin but he’s not there. Matt takes her hand and I don’t find this emotionally captivating whatsoever and again, there is no tearing up happening IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, that’s for dang sure. He puts on a record and they start dancing. And I use every ounce of strength not to die of embarrassment on their behalf.

The next morning, Matt and his coach bro are out jogging and they chat about Audrey and his job options. He doesn’t know what to do! He wants to stay here but there isn’t anything for him to do in this town after his contract is up.

Audrey and Jade are also having a nice talk about relationships. Jade is very wise. She is not sassy though. That’s fine. Not everyone needs to be sassy.

Out doing MORE CHRISTMAS ACTIVITIES. They are waiting in line to ride the horse drawn carriage. Audrey tells Matt they don’t have anyone to do the march of the toy soldiers without the deployed guard unit. Matt says that he and some of the old boys at the base can step in. Matt then does the robot and everyone in town collapses in the street of embarrassment. Matt wastes no time in the carriage. He’s got his arm around Audrey immediately. I high five my screen.

The next day, they are setting up at the hotel. Matt shows up and wants to talk to Audrey. Zoe walks up with an EMERGENCY and interrupts them. Well, it turns out that the hotel double booked the event space and a corporate event is in the room for the same time. Paying customers trump free customers so they’ve got to move. Matt is very encouraging to her while she’s at an 11/10. After they move all the stuff out, Matt finally tells her his news. He was offered an officer post if he re-enlists so he’s thinking about it seriously. Audrey kind of freaks out about this and says she’ll talk to him later. She just wants to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and recharge. So that kind of bums everyone out.

Back at the barn, Devin calls. He gives her a great idea-she should hold the Holiday for Heroes event at the barn! And well, yes that is a great idea. She feels weird about bringing the whole town into her she-shed.

The next day, she receives a flower arrangement from Luke to congratulate her on the lease. But Audrey and Jane decide to put the money they set aside for the expansion into the Toys for Tots drive so that all the kids will have toys.

Matt and the hockey coach are out jogging again and the Coach tells him to tell her how he feels. He agrees.

Oh boy, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The eggnog contest. Luke and Audrey are judges. What kind of dirt does this town have on these two to force them to participate in such a challenge? Carlos and his Mexican hot Chocolate eggnog wins but really, everyone loses because this contest exists.

Audrey needs to tell Luke the bad news about the lease. Matt stops by the coffee shop looking for Audrey and the employee tells him she’s at the eggnog contest. He sees the flowers and the card that is actually worded super weird. Like he’s so excited about what they’re building together and looking forward to tonight? I don’t know. I didn’t write it down but that is the gist and it was pretty imappropriate coming from a realtor!! Matt walks in to the restaurant and sees Luke and Audrey at the bar. He appropriately misinterprets the situation because Luke puts his hand on Audrey’s. He walks out.

After that, donations start rolling in. Luke has put the word out about Jade and Audrey’s sacrifice and that has really tugged the ol heart strings. Audrey and Jade talk about her feelings for Matt again. Jade is like, you should tell him and also tell him you’d like it if he stayed.

At the office, the coach walks in and Matt is grumbling about Audrey liking Luke and the coach tells him to get it together. It’s a real tough no nonsense lecture and well, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR.

They’re getting the final pieces together for the party and Audrey sent Matt a text inviting him to help. Jade says that’s not good enough and she sends him a more direct text-get your butt over to the coffee shop girlfriend!!! Matt says okay.

They meet at the coffee shop. And there is too much time left so I don’t know what is going to happen. Audrey tells Matt she is not interested in Luke. He spends too much time adding that salt to his salt and pepper hair, you silly goose! They do that silly thing where they “literally start over”. Matt tells her that her letters made him feel like he had someone to come home to. So don’t worry about me after he says that. I am JUST FINE. He gives her a box of twelve ornaments that has some loose connection to them saying they celebrated Christmas every month. Then they say a bunch of weird one liners to each other. But they DON’T KISS. He has some surprises up his sleeve, he says.

He then calls a meeting from the usual gang in the middle of the night. And it looks like he and Luke have paired up. Luke’s playing the long game.

Alright, Holiday for Heroes is finally happening at the barn. Audrey and Jade have great dresses on. Matt is there in his military dress uniform. He asks if he can embarrass her for a minute. He gives a speech about how great Audrey is and how much she and Jade do for the troops. And then he announces that the town all pitched in to cover the cost of their expansion and the first year of the lease.

Now it’s time for the march of the toy soldiers. These ol boys sure can march. But wait a minute. OMG THE GUYS ARE ACTUALLY HOME! They turn around one by one and it takes their family members a minute to recognize them. And I am definitely just fine and not crying about this massive surprise solider homecoming. The rest of the unit trickle in from outside. So, now, will the city reimburse the cost of this party? And guess, what? They still DON’T KISS.

After everyone leaves, Audrey and Matt slow dance. He tells her he’s taking a teaching job at the school. And they finally kiss. Whew.

• Let’s see how this movie does against our checklist:
• 1. Small town person
• 9. I’m counting the holiday for heroes party
• 10. Christmas Tree lighting
• 12. Winter Athletics-ice skating
• 14. Christmas Puns
• 19. A wise best friend

Total Score: 6/20

Blue Ridge Mountain Christmas aired on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries on November 7, 2019. It stars MY GIRL Rachel Leigh Cook. I don’t remember whether she’s been in any other Hallmark Christmas movies but I hope she’s here to stay. I just want to say up top here that Rachel’s character, Willow is a beautiful snowflake and incapable of wrongdoing in this film. And yes, you better believe I’m calling this a film.

The movie begins at the Christmas party at Willow’s place of employment. Lots of people wearing red suit jackets so she either works at a movie theatre or a hotel or is a Shriner. Oh, she is an assistant (to the regional?) manager of a hotel and they move her to a new one every two years. She’s about to go home for A MONTH though to help get ready for her little sister’s wedding. She asks a friend/coworker to water her plants while she’s away and the friend requests two dozen cookies for the favor. I find that excessive. But two dozen cookies or not, I’d definitely forget to water her plants. It is important to note right out the gate that Willow is a city girl going BACK to her small town. But she LOVES Christmas. Unusual trope!

Back home, Willow reunites with her little sister, Juni. They seem like nice sisters and have a nice chat. Juni practices saying her new name and finally settles on the modernish hyphenated name. Willow is ready to do anything and everything wedding related for her little sister. They walk in to the diner owned by their mother. The mother announces that her BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER IS HERE! Oh and she also has another daughter who is fine. Mom and Juni share the horrible news that due to ALL that SNOW on the roof of their venue, they have to find a new place to hold the wedding. They’ve tried to call every other venue in town but they’re all booked up. Willow promises to try herself.

Willow seems to be striking out too. Where are they gonna hold this gd wedding right before Christmas? In the landing at the top of the stairs they are calling Willow’s bedroom, Willow looks at an old picture. She has an idea!! What about the Eagle Ridge Inn!! The place her family used to own and the place where the girls grew up. Oh, that sounds like a great idea. Well, it turns out that the owner of the Inn is the BEST MAN for the wedding. But they’ve already asked him and there’s no place to host the ceremony. So that’s it. Willow doesn’t want to give up on the idea. And who would?

It’s morning at the Inn and David is scurrying about and his parents are there and his very adorable daughter is making a Christmas card. She can’t find her stuffed Reindeer, Henry. SHE hid it. But she hid it so well that she can’t find it now. David has to go to work. He’s about to be PARTNER at his law firm. An Inn owner AND a lawyer? GET IT, GIRL.

David is also trying to sell the Inn. Because well, working full time at a law firm AND running a small hotel is truly not possible. I’m not really sure how he is doing it. He may be a small town boy but he has NO TIME for Christmas.

A potential buyer is sniffing around the Inn. He wonders if they ever host events? David says, oh sure things like luncheons, receptions but DEFINITELY NOT WEDDINGS SO DON’T EVEN ASK. When he walks out he realizes someone is out at the big barn. He walks over and discovers Willow.

He and Willow have a mildly awkward exchange until they realize who each other is. Willow pitches her idea about holding the wedding in the barn. Dave is like, dude that’s way too much work and I’m a busy and important lawyer and man about town. I don’t have time to do that. Willow is like, no my family will pay for everything. My mom is a small business owner in this small town so you know we are just Rolling in dough. And money. David is not interested in any of that.

At the law firm, Austin, Juni’s fiance is saying what we’re ALL thinking. Is that garland around his office door too low? Is there too much Christmas in this place of business? No. But actually yes the garland is too low. Also, the door frame is too low. They then make a bunch of lawyer jokes that are again, too painful for me to bear.

Oh great, back at the Peterson manor, they are building a gingerbread house. Look, it’s not going well. But they’re having a great time. I guess that’s all that matters. Poor Juni has her heart set on the Inn now. What are they going to do! They’re just having some great girl time.

It’s bedtime and the reindeer is nowhere to be found. It’s really special to her because Natalie’s mom gave him to her. Natalie is not super thrilled about moving and selling the Inn. This sweet little cherub offers to help out more at the Inn. David decides she can start doing the bookkeeping and tax filings.

David is so busy working two beyond full time jobs but still has time for a leisurely lunch with his parents. Well, what a coincidence. Willow is out and about on the street. David, do you have a minute to talk about the Inn real quick? Willow is WORKING. And by the way the town is OBSCENELY decorated for Christmas. That’s right. Obscenely. Willow commits to doing EVERYTHING. Christmas decor, wedding, and repairs. Oh, well actually he can figure that out. She’ll do everything else. She finally talks him into it. Hooray!

Willow has slightly bigger plans for the Inn and the wedding than she let on to David. David overhears her telling Garrett, Inn Handy Man and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin look alike, that the interior walls need a new coat of paint. No big deal, David! But we do need to look at some paint swatches real quick. KTHANKS, GIRL. And Willow basically keeps steamrolling him at every turn. MORE CHRISTMAS HERE! MORE CHRISTMAS THERE! MORE PAINT SWATCHES HERE! And it’s too late because David already agreed and this Christmas Inn train has LEFT THE STATION.

That evening, Willow meets Natalie who is still looking for Henry. She tells Natalie and David that she’s about to go to the tree lot to pick up some trees. They’re gonna need like all of them. Natalie is like, Dad let’s go too! And David is like, it’s the middle of the night, can we go on the weekend? And then Willow kind of teams up with Natalie and they convince poor, tired, working 100 hours a week David to go tree shopping on a weeknight so all the trees match. Willow talks about how much she loves Christmas and David is just SO BUSY. This is kind of an interesting mix of our typical tropes. Busy+small town+no time for Christmas and city+not working in dream job+loves Christmas.

At the tree lot David is like, hey I thought I wasn’t supposed to do anything and Willow is like, yep you’re so right that definitely won’t happen anymore…well not after Friday for SURE. And then she pats him on the head.

When Willow shows up to the Inn the next day, Robert, the prospective buyer is there scoping things out. He just wishes there were MORE CHRISTMAS decorations on the Inn’s exterior. Willow helps him picture it. Also, there is this weird rocky thing across from the Inn and it kind of looks like they just threw batting over it for the snow. Later, Willow still definitely doesn’t need David’s help to get more decorations so she drags him around town looking for decorations. They kind of bond about their lives-David shares that the Inn was his wife’s thing but she’s since passed away. Willow shares that she kind of has bigger things in mind but not yet because Today is scary. And well, that is kind of profound. David selects a big, plain fake wreath and Willow couldn’t be more proud.

Back at the Inn, we are about to have a Clark Griswold, Christmas Vacation moment. All the exterior lights are up and now it’s time to turn them all on. There are snow men on that rocky feature and Natalie names them all after reindeer. All the adults take turns patting her on the head. Natalie asks Willow whether she misses the inn and Willow, back on team Adult, tells her yes she misses it, but in a good way. She talks about how great memories can be. They all drink hot chocolate out of open containers.

The next morning, they do a walk through of the barn. Time’s a wasting! All the adults are still looking for that darn Henry. Willow reveals that she’s acquired a horse and carriage for the wedding. David’s dad is like, you should bring those back to the Inn for Christmas! Smoke comes out of David’s ears. Also, is his hair higher than it was in the previous scene? But then they realize the horse and carriage might be enough to distract Natalie from her missing reindeer.

Willow is just sassing David at every turn. But that ol busy heart of David’s is growing as big as his hair. They take turns sharing their favorite Santa experience as a kid. David says he wanted to watch Santa eat a Christmas cookie. I don’t know. That seems weird. Watching him eat a cookie? Natalie is all in on the horse and asks to take a picture and of course, Willow needs to be in it. They take a lovely ride around.

Willow is at home staring at the pic of her and David. And I am staring at all her great Hunter green sweaters. Juni shares how much she appreciates her for all the work planning her wedding. Still waiting on that thank you from MY sister eight years later. Juni is like, don’t get too emotionally invested…in the INN. Also, I hope you don’t get too sad when you have to go back to New York where you live all by yourself and don’t have any friends or family around.

Another Hallmark tree lighting. David’s dad shows up in a great tie and David makes it in time from work. They all drink hot chocolate out of regular mugs. Where are they getting these? And WHY? The environment? But like, did they all bring these mugs from home? I don’t understand what it happening. Natalie gets to push the button. Why? They are all so happy to see the tree light they all start hugging each other. David and Willow…HUG. Ohhhhhh, dang. Sparks are flying now.

That night, David reads three books to Natalie before bed which is fine, but I do think she’s probably a little old for that? She should be reading on her own maybe? But then she asks Willow for one more story and David has to pay her back for forcing him to go Christmas tree shopping on a weeknight. So, he says, well I don’t have a problem with it… So Willow is like, no I definitely don’t have anything better to do than read to a 10 year old so cool, yeah I’ll do that.

After Natalie is in bed, Willow and David have another moment before he puts her coat on for her and she leaves.

The next day, there is a Christmas party at the diner and it actually looks really fun. They play a fun game that I want to replicate. It’s like a three legged race but unwrapping a Christmas present. Two people’s arms get tied up and they put the other behind their back and they have to unwrap a Christmas present. Willow and David are paired up. Austin and Natalie win.

Back at the Inn, David is really warming up to staying there. Willow asks him if he really wants to sell the Inn. He’s like yeah I’d way rather bill hours in 6 minute increments and Hustle 24/7 looking for clients than run this Inn. So excited to be PARTNER!

The next day, the girls-Willow and Natalie are making Christmas cookies. David says they smell wonderful. Do they? Like these are cold Christmas cookies that are ready to be decorated. Do they smell wonderful? Willow is crushing adult communication with a child. She finds Natalie in the barn looking for Henry and redirects her to the cookies and also politely explains why the horse has to go back to where he lives. David is so relieved across the board.

Outside, Robert is sniffing around again and he seems ready to put an offer in. He also makes a comment about how the single cookie in David’s hand smells and I just feel really uncomfortable about that.

David still hasn’t decided to sell the Inn but he can’t think about him or Willow or any of it. He’s just got to stay on his path to partner. Meanwhile, Willow and her mom have a nice chat in the diner. Maybe Willow could buy the inn on her assistant manager at a hotel chain salary! Maybe her mom could borrow from her retirement. Do people not know what things cost? Willow seems to know. But Willow also seems afraid to take the risk, which is obviously the takeaway from that conversation. But it does get Willow thinking.

She starts cooking up a pitch to her hotel management about investing in the Inn and letting her run it. This is a great idea, girlfriend! Willow wants to make the pitch to David along a very beautifully lit path outside but David speaks up first. He feels that this whole experience has gotten him to “closure” on this whole “Inn Chapter” of his life. So that kind of puts a damper on Willow’s big pitch.

Willow comes home to find that things could actually be worse. Her sister has turned into a straight up lunatic and is eating fruitcake right out of the pan. Where did it even come from? She says she’s stressed so she is eating comfort food. Willow slowly takes the pan out of Juni’s hands and calls 911 and informs them that her sister has had a psychotic breakdown. Once Juni’s head is back on straight, they have a nice conversation about Willow’s idea. Juni thinks it’s a great idea and that she should make the pitch to whoever needs to see it. Also, Juni seems to have no concept of money either because she suggests that Willow just take out a loan. Willow pats her on the head. Oh and Willow DEFINITELY doesn’t have feels for David so just forget about that.

Guess what guys? It’s Christmas decorating montage time! Cute folksy music, fantastic sweaters, snow melting in the hot August sun, and that big wreath David picked out. It is ALL ready to go.

It’s wedding day and Juni is real nervous. The girls get in cute Christmas jammies and eat sugar cookies. That seems really fun. Why couldn’t my sister have planned a lovely activity like that for me on my wedding day?

Austin and David have a lovely best man moment where Austin calls David super old. David’s hair grows a few inches taller with pride.

Garrett shows Willow the finished product. It is really lovely. David shows up and Willow gets the courage to make her pitch to him. He shoots it down. He does not want to run the Inn. He really just wants to be a lawyer. Also, at this point, her pitch is sort of an unspoken, let’s be together and I’ll run the Inn. And he’s like, well my dead wife used to run this place so it would be super weird for me if we started dating and you were literally doing her exact same old job.

It’s wedding time! The girls all walk up the aisle together and Natalie is the flower girl. Again, I do think she is probably too old for this job. Okay, are puffy sleeve wedding dresses back in? Why is it working on Juni?

They are having a lovely reception. Also, at this point in the program I must point out that I made my husband watch the last twenty minutes of this before we could watch something he wanted to watch, and when he got up, he asked me to pause it because he was invested. Willow has a great conversation with David’s mom.

Back in the barn, Natalie is sad and picking up petals. David comes in and sits next to her, AC Slater style. They have a sweet father daughter moment. They talk about memories and making room for more memories. Natalie says she wishes she could have been at their wedding and he says she was there in their dreams that day. And well, that is just a really lovely sentiment, okay?!

Back at the reception, Willow sees a familiar book on the shelf. It is her dad’s copy of A Christmas Carol! She thought it was lost. And, what do you know, but HENRY IS BEHIND THE BOOKCASE.

David calls Robert and tells him HE’S KEEPING THE INN! Sorry SUCKER! David realizes we’re creating new memories all the time! Yes! That’s how brains work! He tells Willow he is looking for a manager for the Inn. He says the job posting will close in thirty days and then there will be a round or two of interviews for top candidates. But she should definitely apply! She says she’s inn-terested if she can paint. And then they KISS. Of course.

Alright, how did this movie stack up?

1. Small town person
2. Workaholic too busy for Christmas
3. Single parent
4. Christmas Tree Lighting
5. Christmas Baking
6. Christmas Puns
7. Someone working in a nondescript corporate job instead of chasing their real dream
8. Christmas montage

Total score 8/20

Christmas Scavenger Hunt premiered on November 3, 2019 on the Hallmark Channel. I’ve watched several Hallmark movies where they seem to have struggled coming up with a title. In the recent past, there’s been Ice Sculpture Christmas, Christmas Cookies, A Shoe Addict’s Christmas, and Time for Me to Come Home For Christmas; just to name a few. Christmas Scavenger Hunt belongs in this group. 

The movie begins in our lead, Belinda’s office. I am not stoked about this name. We learn that she is a nice boss and is headed home for Christmas. A homeless man approaches her and gives her an assignment. Oh, he must be her boss. She needs to close this condo deal in her hometown before Christmas so she can become a JUNIOR partner. Flattering or insulting? Belinda declines because of the conflict of interest. Oh wait, no she feels uncomfortable about it but doesn’t say anything. 

Belinda is out to eat with her boyfriend, Logan. He is so happy that they are just crushing their professional lives. But, he’s too busy to come home with her for Christmas…right away anyway. He will try and hop on a flight if he has time in the next couple days because that definitely isn’t the most expensive way to do things. He gives her a locket for Christmas but didn’t have time to put a picture of them in it so the stock photo is inside.
Belinda is driving to her hometown and is stopped on the road by someone. It turns out to be her old boyfriend, Dustin. She is pretty snippy with him but soon we learn why. Ten years ago, when she was heading off to college, he was supposed to come too but he bailed out and never explained himself. Belinda is still super upset about this. 

She gets to her dad’s house and we see that her dad is Tom Arnold, who is a staple in made for TV Christmas movies. He points out that he went crazy decorating just for her. So, I’m glad we have that settled. In the morning we discover the location of the condos. Guess what? IT’S A HISTORICAL LANDMARK. The old Textile Heritage Mill and Museum. Wait, what? I think I’d rather have condos. Also, does Hallmark know that people in small towns don’t really live in condos? We keep hearing about the ”Scavenger Hunt.” There are signs up all over town. Is Belinda going to participate? The plan this year is to use the proceeds from the Scavenger Hunt to help pay for renovations on the Museum. Again, I ask, really? 

I feel it is important to disclose that no actual scavenger hunt takes place in this movie. Instead, groups of two, selected at “random” by Tom Arnold, are sent out to perform basic Christmas activities like purchase a tree and build a snowman. Once they’ve completed a task, they are given a clue about what to do next. The entire town believes they are participating in a scavenger hunt. They are not. They find nothing. Ever. I also don’t think they make any money. You don’t have to pay to participate. I don’t think, anyway.

Belinda meets up with… the town realtor? I’m not sure. But, they talk about the deal and how behind the museum is on payments. It would take a Christmas Miracle to get them caught up in time. Hmmm.

She heads to town hall. You know, where all the exciting things happen in town. They are all getting ready for the kickoff of the Christmas Scavenger Hunt. Belinda sees her best friend and meets her fiancé. He seems nice. Faith, the bff reveals that Belinda has liked Dustin since she was at least ten years old. Well that is quite a history. Alright, Tom begins to explain the rules. It is here where I first realize that this may not a scavenger hunt. This is like…the Amazing Race, right? I’ve never seen that show. Anyway, Tom, well actually his name is Carl-Carl starts drawing names out of a hat. Not everyone who signs up gets to participate either I think. That seems silly. Again, if they charged people to play, that might make the whole Christmas Amazing Race more profitable. For Charity.

 Alright so Carl, who is definitely not biased at all, LIES about which name he draws out of the hat and Dustin and Belinda get paired up. Faith was not taking any chances and just put her and her fiancé on the same piece of paper. No one cares. They each get a text that announces what their first clue is. I wonder, what technology does this town have where you get a text, send a picture, and then an automated response comes back? At first I thought Carl was doing all the texting but first-he does not seem capable. Second, he seems to be doing his own thing during the day. Okay, we don’t have time to figure this out.

The first clue is a cutesy rhyme that ultimately leads to them going to get a Christmas tree. At first, I think it must be a specific tree that has the next clue. No. It can be ANY tree. They literally just have to go buy a Christmas tree. Dustin says, well I guess we’re going to the forest. Guess what? They don’t go to the forest. They go to a small tree “farm” where you cut down your own tree for $90. I’m just speaking from my own experience here. So they’ve picked out a tree. Now what are they supposed to do with it? What does the town want with the trees? They either don’t explain or I missed it. Or both. Regardless, Belinda has a great idea for the tree. She refuses to tell Dustin and instead just takes his keys.

They arrive at a big fancy house. A rich elderly man lives here and is kind of a recluse. Belinda and her mom used to visit him. However, when he opens the door, I am a little surprised. He’s not actually that old. Here I thought Hollywood only discriminated against older women. (Edgy!). No, this man would have been in the prime of his life when Belinda and her mom visited in the past. He is probably in his late sixties now. So they come in with the tree and he brings out a small tray with five ornaments. He wants to hear what’s going on in town.

They talk about the “scavenger hunt” and decorate his tree for him. Then they take a selfie. The photo that pops up on the screen does not actually resemble the picture they take.

They head off to Town Hall to get instructions for their next task. Again, they do not have to find anything. They need to build a snowman. Look, I’ve built a snowman or two in my day and it is backbreaking work. And rarely do you have the right consistency and quantity to make it work. Especially in July, when they filmed this movie. So anyway, they figure it out and even have some cute items with which to decorate their snow person. I don’t presume to know whether they made a man or woman. 

After they take their picture, both Dustin and Bel (I’m going to call her Bel now because that’s what Dustin calls her and Belinda takes too long to type) have something important to discuss. Belinda knows her thing is going to be more important, but this is a Hallmark movie so she lets Dustin go first. Instead of hopping in the truck and having this conversation on the way, Dustin feels it is important that they walk to a bridge which is somehow decorated for Christmas and have this discussion. What he shares is earth shattering. Well, it’s earth shattering to Bel. It doesn’t really change my life one way or another. Sorry to get all your hopes up. He shares that the reason he didn’t follow Bel to college is that his dad lost his job and he needed to stay home and help provide for the family. He didn’t tell her because he thought she might stay too and he wanted her to go to college. This is a very noble thing to do and Bel is shook. Her mind flashes to that anchor around her neck, Logan, and she realizes she’s wasted the last ten years of her life. I could tell all of that just by the look on her face. I do find it hard to believe that she never figured this out or that no one else knew and didn’t tell her. But here we are. So after that bomb, Dustin says, wait isn’t there something you wanted to tell me? And Bel feels that it would be inappropriate to share that in an ironic twist of fate, he’s about to be the one out of a job. 

They head to the next task, which is to get a picture with Santa. They run into a little boy who tells them that he asked Santa to bring his deployed mother home for Christmas. So that is a little bit of a gut punch. They also run into Faith and Jason. I genuinely wish they were in more scenes because they are precious angels from heaven. Bel shares this earth shattering news with Faith and Faith sends Jason to refill her hot chocolate. He says, but this one is full. And Faith pats him on the head and tells him to just figure it out so she can dish with Bel. Faith, Bel and Dustin remember SO MUCH from high school. I liked high school and I still remember almost nothing.

They get their next clue, which is to do a random act of kindness for someone. Dustin announces that he is buying hot chocolate for everyone. Bel says that doesn’t really count because that is technically generosity not kindness. They go back to the wealthy gentleman’s home. I’m not sure if they’re just visiting him again or if this is going to count for their random act of kindness.

It is here where Bel finally tells Dustin that the mill/museum is about to be sold to one of her clients. He actually responds very reasonably and doesn’t take his bad feelings out on her. There’s too much time left in the movie for that to happen right now anyway. Their next task is to make a gingerbread house. Come on, Deerfield. We DO NOT have time to make a gingerbread house. They seem genuinely excited to make the house. Please refer to my review of “Christmas Wishes and Mistletoe Kisses” for my stance on making gingerbread houses. I don’t have time or the emotional strength left to go into it here. 

They get back to Bel’s house and she says she needs to change. She keeps her boots on while she walks into her room and presumably changes her clothes though I don’t remember what she was wearing before and she comes back down wearing what I think is the exact same outfit. Anyway, I don’t begrudge her keeping her boots on because I have the same ones and they are a BEAR to take on and off. While in her room, she looks at a truly random collection of old photos including a very well photoshopped prom picture, complete with early 00s bleach blonde hair and updo. (Been there, done that). When she comes back down, she is wearing a red sweater. Again, I really don’t think she changed her clothes and it’s not like she put on a T-shirt or something she didn’t mind getting dirty. Anyway, the whole point of that was for Dustin to get an opportunity to say that she looks really good in red, just like at prom. Alright, I don’t even remember MY OWN prom dress colors so I don’t really buy this, guy.

Okay! A Christmas activity montage! They get to building their gingerbread house. It takes approximately 3 days to complete. Bel can’t stop eating the disgusting candy that comes with gingerbread kits, which suggests she may be a serial killer. Ultimately, in the chaos and turmoil of two people trying to build a gingerbread house, Dustin is killed.

After working for three days straight, Bel says she could use some lunch…or dinner. I have no idea what time it is. She needs some-and I apologize for this-Christmas strength. I know. Anyway, they go to their favorite diner. It apparently looks way different and has a new owner. And, wait. Why is her DAD’s chili on the menu? Carl arrives with Jenny, the diner owner and immediately Bel can tell something is UP. Carl is killing it across the board. Anyway, Carl says he needs to get lunch to all the volunteers. But I hoped they all packed a lunch because there is DEFINITELY not enough food for everyone in the bag Carl is carrying. There may not even be enough for Carl in that bag. Bel and Dustin both order the chili, which I feel is unwise for them to do, given they will be spending the rest of the day together; including lots of time in confined spaces like Dustin’s truck. Bel gets a text and Dustin assumes it’s the next clue. It is just Logan telling Bel he got a flight out!

Faith and Jason show up and point out that Dustin and Bel are sitting at “their” table like old times. Bel didn’t even notice. Faith keeps making comments about them as a couple which I feel places too much pressure on them under any circumstance. Faith sends poor Jason to order something with “Christmas Pepper” in it. I am not sure such a pepper exists, but I am willing to be proven wrong. They all sit together for approximately 2 seconds before they are informed of their next clue. 

For their next clue, they have to find a very specific snowglobe. Now THIS is a scavenger hunt. They head to the antique store where they find a few globes, but none are quite right. They also see several lockets on display. Bel says her mom had one that her dad gave her on their one year anniversary. So she loves them. Did Logan know this? I feel this is not a very common item. I always wanted a locket when I was a kid because they seemed all the rage back then but I don’t see them out and about these days. Again I must ask, are they back? The antique store employee sends them to “Mrs. Murphy” who was their old music teacher.

Mrs. Murphy has an impressive collection of snow globes. She tries to get Bel and Dustin to call her Margaret but they appropriately refuse. There is almost no scenario in my life where I would call a former teacher by their first name. She says she hasn’t seen them since she chaperoned the prom. What did she do for the last month of school after prom? Do people not realize that Prom is like in April or early May usually? It’s not on the last day of school. Anyway, she has a perfect snow globe for the competition and then gives Bel one to keep that has that LOVE sign thing from Philadelphia. You look like you could use this one more than me, girlfriend, Mrs. Murphy says. 

Their next task is to buy toys to donate to the Toy Drive. They return to Town Hall with two grocery bags full of toys. Bel says she feels like Santa. Dustin pats her on the head. Dustin says he prefers the stocking stuffers over regular gifts. Now it’s Bel’s turn to pat Dustin on the head. He says the best things come in small packages; but I feel it is important to note that A PELOTON will NOT fit in a small package. Just for anyone who is reading this and wondering about my interests. Carl wanders over and Bel asks him about Jenny. Bel is very mature and cool about her dad having a new lady friend. Carl is just DADDING it up 24/7.
We get the next clue and Dustin says he is working on a Christmas surprise for someone special that probably lines up with the clue. He takes Be to show her what it is. And here is where we suspend reality COMPLETELY. 

They go back to Santa’s village, which by the way, from the outside, looks like someone’s house. Anyway, that poor kid, Dax from earlier, is still there. I am not sure why. Dustin says he has a surprise for him. Dax shares that there is a girl on the playground that chases him. Bel says, oh that means she likes you. Dustin is like yeah I chased Bel and then she became my girlfriend. And Dax is like, wait she’s your girlfriend? And then Dustin and Bel try to explain a very complicated relationship to a strange child. They say, you’ll understand when you’re older. And I think, no Dax, you won’t. 

We can see in the blurry background that his mom is there. I have to admit that I teared up. Even Lord Voldemort tears up at soldier homecoming videos, okay?! But THIS is truly the most ridiculous scenario Hallmark has ever cooked up. I don’t have time to break this down for you, but it is so important that I must. This movie would have us believe that just a few hours earlier, Dustin first learns of Dax’s mom being deployed overseas. In the span of a few hours, Dustin has not only orchestrated an early homecoming, but has gotten her all the way home. Is Dustin Santa Claus? Physics aside, Dustin, because they have a “military wing” of the museum, knew someone at the Army Corp. of Engineers with whom he could call in this favor. No. But we ALL know that’s not how any of this works. So anyway, through LITERAL MAGIC, this mother returns home the very day her son asked Santa about it. And knowing ALL of this, I still teared up. So that’s where we are. This counts towards completion of that task so they get their next clue. They get to bake Christmas Cookies!

They head to Bel’s house and guess who’s there? Logan. He’s been there for an hour and had to figure out how to get from the airport to Bel’s house all on his own. Bel has apparently not checked her phone all day even though that is literally how they get clues. Also, wouldn’t Chicago be driving distance from Deerfield? Anyway, Logan! So glad you made it. Why don’t you come on in and help us with the cookies? In the kitchen, poor Logan is still in his suit and Bel and Dustin are bustling around the kitchen. Dustin seems to know where everything is. Logan is just in the way. They both feel a little bad, and frankly so do I. So, they invite him to help. I think he is supposed to come off as like, annoyed or uninterested but it is all very sad that he doesn’t know what to do. Anyway, they help him measure the sugar and butter and then go about mixing them together by hand. I just can’t imagine there is no hand or stand mixer in that big beautiful kitchen. But here they are, mixing butter and sugar together by hand with a spatula. Logan, why don’t you try, you poor sad sack! Logan did remember to take his suit jacket off, but he forgot to take off his silk tie which was hand woven in Italy. As a result of his enthusiastic hand mixing, he gets butter on his tie. He is understandably bummed out by this and goes to try and clean it. But we all know it’s definitely ruined. The next day, they finish the cookies. Actually, time is meaningless in this movie so they wrap up the dough chilling, baking and frosting in short order. 

They are about to head back to Town Hall for the final activity-Christmas Karaoke-when Logan gets an important business call. By now it must be what, 10 pm? I am just going to keep moving. So anyway, Logan can’t get off this phone call but Bel wants him to come to Town Hall for the last thing so she kind of whisper shouts at him to meet them at Town Hall.

At Town Hall, the karaoke is getting set up. I again have no idea if it’s 7pm, 10 pm, or midnight. But people are there and ready for sone Christmas themed karaoke. Bless Faith and Jason’s sweet, precious angel hearts. They sing earnestly and terribly. Next up, Dustin and Bel singing the 12 Days of Christmas. I nearly cried from embarrassment on their behalf. It was so uncomfortable. Thank goodness they only did 5 days.

Faith and Jason win and Dustin and Bel get second. I have a couple questions. How do you win? Is it based solely on the karaoke performance? And what do you win? We never find out. They also announce that they’ve raised $15k for renovations for the Museum, which is enough to renovate one bathroom.
Dustin and Bel talk about how that probably isn’t enough money to do anything. He is appreciative of Bel helping anyway. But she basically just didn’t do work that day so how is she helping or hurting? Logan pops over and kind of speaks to her like a coach in the final minutes of a close game. He’s like, get your head in the game. This promotion is so important. I didn’t care for it in this context.

The wealthy “elderly” man then gets up and says he’s going to donate enough money to keep the mill open for years to come. But, why doesn’t he just buy it? Also, perhaps a power of attorney should be designated for him because this is a very unwise use of his money. Anyway, this is great news for everyone I guess.
Bel can’t sleep that night so she gets up and starts snacking. Carl hears her or is also up and they have a lovely chat on the couch.
The next morning, Bel and Logan mutually decide to end things. Logan’s got big plans and Bel is in the way. I am not sure what Bel’s next move is. She sort of commands Logan to have a good Christmas and to see his sister. Logan has not really had an opportunity to learn any lessons so I doubt that happens. She next tracks down Dustin to tell him how she feels. They kiss. They’ve always loved each other. 

The next scene is Christmas Dinner at Carl’s. Jenny, Dustin and the “elderly” man are all in attendance. Carl asks the elderly man to carve the turkey. But, right as he is about to do that, Bel sees a card at her place setting. It has a really cutesy, mildly cringe inducing “clue” that leads her the Christmas Tree. And guess what, there’s a LOCKET on the tree with a picture of the two of them waiting for her. They sort of make out in front of the whole family and we all feel uncomfortable. So, can we just start eating or should we wait? We never find out what they decide. Also, are they going to stay together? Is she going back to Chicago? This is all left unresolved. So, that’s a Christmas Scavenger Hunt!

Lets see how this movie rates on our checklist.

1. Small town person

8. Christmas Contest

11. Christmas Baking

14. Christmas puns

15. Tearing down a historic landmark to build condos (first time checking this one off!!)

19. Faith is not wise, but she is a little sassy.

20. Christmas montage

Total score: 7/20

Merry and Bright premiered on the Hallmark Channel on November 2. Just as a refresher, Hallmark Movies and Mysteries “Miracles Of Christmas” are on Thursdays and Fridays and Hallmark’s 10th Annual “Countdown to Christmas” is on Saturdays and Sundays. Keep up, girl!

The movie begins in Britewell, Ohio which is the Candy Cane capital of the world! Who knew? Kate, played by my girl Jodie Sweetin, is the CEO of Merry and Bright Candy Canes (Hey! That’s the name of this movie!!). She is new to the biz, taking it over from her grandma Carol (note, the Christmas-y name) a year ago. She is stressed out and takes a candy cane off the production line to console herself. Her friend and coworker Sophie is hoping her boyfriend will propose to her. She says thinks Christmas is the perfect time, which totally bums Kate out for some reason. She also announces that a corporate recovery company was hired by the Board because the company hasn’t turned a profit for a few years.

Over in NYC we get a glimpse of “Empire Corporate Recovery”. I’ve never heard of a business like this but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Gabe is going to Ohio to help Merry and Bright. He is…less than stoked about it. He is too big a deal for such a small project. His boss tells him he has a particular set of skills for this job. So, now I’m wondering if he is going to track down whoever kidnapped his daughter and kill them? No, that’s not this movie. Anyway, he recognizes the flattery and says she must be “pulling out the big ‘tools’”. Can you not say “gun” anymore? Regardless, he’s headed to Britewell. Maybe for two weeks. “Maybe he’ll get some holiday spirit while he’s at it!!!” His boss inappropriately shouts at him as he flees her office.

In Britewell, Kate is on a horrible date at a fancy restaurant. He is ignoring her and the waitress is ignoring him. Irony. Kate is actually trying super hard. So, good for her. She heads home and starts making cute little chocolates for…EVERY EMPLOYEE IN THE COMPANY. It looks like they only get one each though, so I think I’d rather get a gift card. Her mom is there and has plenty more available men to choose from. What about Gary? From Akron? He’ll be in town this week! Kate is not interested. She thinks maybe she’d rather get a dog. Her mom is not stoked about the idea though. Kate stopped by the shelter and the one she liked was gone anyway.

When Kate’s mom gets home, we realize she is talking to THE DOG KATE WAS TALKING ABOUT. She must have picked him up from the shelter. It is going to be a gift for Kate. She is laying down the house rules for her new house guest and the dog is like, yeah I’m not doing any of that. Oh, this is exciting. The mom is not a dog person though so she speak at him from a considerable distance and throws a treat in his general direction. Let me be clear. This dog is a GOOD BOY.

Gabe checks in at the hotel. Well, he goes to the desk and no one is there. Suddenly, a man pops up from under the desk. He was just plugging in his computer. This man, Pete, is my new favorite person. Gabe is down for one week…maybe two! If that’s the case, maybe he should take in some of the holiday events? Hard pass, says Gabe.

Later, Kate comes by to pick up her dinner order and Gabe sees her. He recognizes her from her company’s website. He introduces himself as her greatest gift and the man that’s going to solve all of her problems. This is not great. She understandably is confused and thinks he’s Gary from Akron and that he’s hitting on her. She is super grossed out. I think I’d be fine with it actually. Eventually, they realize he is talking about WORK and Kate is embarrassed. But really, Gabe should be embarrassed because he should have just said from the beginning that he was there from Empire. But then we wouldn’t have had that lovely little meet cute and that’s why I’m not writing these movies.

The next morning at the factory, they try to forget about their awkward encounter. Gabe is giving Kate helpful suggestions and she is shooting them down right and left. She tries to shut him up by giving him a candy cane to try. She’s good though. She eats them all the time. She dismisses him because she just has so many meetings and maybe they can try again tomorrow? Back in her office, Kate realizes that Gabe actually did have a bunch of good ideas and she even thought of some of them herself. She’s only been here a year though! Give the girl a MINUTE! Sheesh. She decides to go apologize to Gabe but then hears him ranting about her and the company right in the common area of the offices. I feel this was unwise. Perhaps he should have made that call in his hotel room.

Back at Kate’s house, she and her mom are decorating her tree. We learn that this was really not what Kate wanted to do with her life. Wait, was she in a Hallmark movie already? One where she decided to take over the failing candy cane company and we are now reckoning with the fallout? Well, it was very important for Grandma Carol to keep it in the family. Why? It sounds like Kate is going to have to make big changes either way so it probably doesn’t make much difference who is running it.

Kate asks her mom if she recognizes the star on top of the tree. Her mom is like, oh did your dad make that? And Kate is like, yeah I talked to him yesterday. Oh… a divorced parent situation? Pretty edgy for Hallmark. By the way, this is really NEVER mentioned again. Then Kate’s mom realizes she’s left the dog inside too long and of course can’t tell Kate so she frantically comes up with an excuse to leave. She settles on needing to meet a friend at the house because she is picking up a fruitcake. Come on, girl. Nobody is ever picking up fruitcake. Don’t they just show up at your house? Kate is not buying it, but her mom is not a prisoner so she leaves.

Back at home, she has another discussion with the dog and throws a treat across the room to appease him. The dog, thus far, appears to be a VERY GOOD BOY.

Kate and Gabe both must have gotten a good night’s sleep because they both return to work with better attitudes the next morning. Gabe has picked up hot chocolate for everyone but couldn’t find any candy canes? Oh man. This guy. Gabe tries a new tact-he focuses on the company’s strengths and points out that if they sold more stuff besides candy canes, people would probably buy it. I think Ol Bill from Nostalgic Christmas needs to hire this guy. Or maybe I should be doing this job? Anyway, Kate is like yeah we do already sell other candy! Come see these peppermint sticks that don’t have hooks! See how different this is? I think they also have different flavors of peppermint which seems…unnecessary. Gabe is like, no that’s not what I’m talking about. What about chocolate? and OMG I HAVE AN IDEA. I’ll wait.

Kate is like, what? I have literally never thought about that. Let me take you to our museum so I can show you how dumb you are to mess with traditions. She and the rest of the factory then perform “Tradition” from “Fiddler on the Roof”. Gabe really enjoys the museum and recognizes that Carol is a stern no nonsense business woman. Which is a Hallmark nice way to say what he’s really thinking. Gabe is probably way too busy to go to the Christmas Tree lighting or…? Cut to him at the hotel and he is just pouring over graphs and spreadsheets. But, he can’t take it and decides to go to the Tree Lighting.

Mom is trying to tell the dog that she will right back. She just has to go to the tree lighting real quick. The dog is so pathetic and he’s being SUCH A GOOD BOY that she decides to bring him along. She has to hide him from Kate though, so she shoves him in a duffel bag.

Kate is all set to push the button to light the tree for the second time! Right before she’s about to push the button to turn on the lights, she changes her mind and calls Gabe up to do it. If I was a townsperson just grinding away and never getting the recognition I deserve, I would be furious. Here, this beautiful stranger just waltzes in and gets to push the button…after no vetting?! Unfair. But Gabe seems truly touched so I have to stop grumbling.

We learn that Pete, the front desk person at the hotel, is dating Sophie and is horrible at buying gifts. He is thinking of buying her a mountain bike for Christmas after three years of dating. Kate tries her best to drop subtle hints but Pete is NOT GETTING IT. He smiles, but bless his sweet, red-haired heart. He’s not getting it. He puts some sunscreen on to shield his fair skin from the glaring moonlight. Gabe and Kate get hot chocolate and candy canes in adorable mugs. How much do those cost or do they have to return them when they’re done? They decide that maybe they need to catch up about “work”. Over dinner? These guys.

Gabe calls his boss and is struggling with this assignment. His head is fuzzy. He pushed the button! His cold, business minded heart is melting. He asks our favorite front desk clerk, Pete, for a restaurant recommendation. Poor clueless Pete unhelpfully suggests the restaurant where last year, Kate rejected a marriage proposal. Why didn’t he suggest “The Elegant Elk”?
At the restaurant, Kate and Gabe are dressed super fancy. I feel like people wouldn’t actually dress super fancy in this town. Oh well.

They are having a great time. But uh oh, the conversation takes a turn towards serious. They both share about past relationships and we get the scoop on the failed proposal from Josh. This dude is already engaged to SOMEONE ELSE after being rejected by Kate less than a year ago. Then Kate says, the heart knows better than spreadsheets and graphs. I find that to be very bad advice. Especially if we’re talking about actual business. To thank Gabe for the lovely evening, she gives him a box of homemade chocolate. Will he figure it out first or will she? He tries it. Does he hate it or is he getting an idea? Can’t tell based on the face he’s making.

The next day, they are setting up for the Christmas Jubilee, which seems to be put on by Merry and Bright. Is it a party? Has it been 7 years so everyone’s debts are forgiven? I know everyone loves a good Old Testament joke. Regardless of its purpose, the decorations are fab. Kate’s mom, Joy flees to go “pick up some snickerdoodles”. Seriously, since when are snickerdoodles considered a Christmas cookie? Gabe shows up and asks if she’d be interested in selling chocolate. But, they’re a candy cane company! Gabe has an investor. But they’re not for sale! Gabe is like, girl chill. It’s just an investor. Then Kate starts getting on board. She could make other flavors even!

Kate drops by her mom’s house. Her mom is fantastic here. She refuses to let her in. Kate is like, hey could I get Grandma’s cookbook? And her mom is like Yeah, yeah. Just wait here. And slams the door in her face. All in the name of not letting her see the dog. It is hilarious and Kate is just standing on the front porch scratching her head.

Alright, Kate and Gabe are back at her house with the recipe book. Kate is rocking a turtleneck. They must be back in style. I’m definitely getting one. Her grandma even drew pictures in the cookbook.
Joy seems to be warming up to the dog. And why shouldn’t she? He is SUCH A GOOD BOY.

Okay excellent. A chocolate baking montage with Christmas jazz music. I am HERE.FOR.THIS. Gabe takes tastes more often than my three year old. These chocolates better be good because the investor and his wife are chocolate snobs. After they’re done with the chocolates, they sit on the couch with hot chocolate, a fire and Kate is wearing reindeer socks. They chat away about dogs and relationships. Kate feels too many feelings and then basically shoos him out. He casually drops the fact that he got them a meeting with Royce Rutherford, a major investor in the food industry. Kate starts to spiral. Gabe says, you can’t win if you don’t play. And then I realize I don’t have enough Christmas decorations.

Kate stops by the hotel again and sees Pete unpacking a big box. She panics thinking that poor dumb Pete actually did buy that mountain bike. You silly Kate, it’s just a big box of sunscreen. No, actually it’s pillows for the hotel. He shows her a necklace he bought. Kate slaps him across the face. Pete spirals about proposing and Kate talks him down.

She then walks into the lobby area and tells Gabe she’s in for the NYC meeting with Royce. Back at home, Joy micromanages Kate’s packing. Kate tells her mom she knows what’s been going on with her and she’s just so happy that her mom’s…been going to the gym again. And Joy is stealing every scene she’s in.

In NYC for the big meeting. Kate corrects Gabe’s grammar. High Five! They’ve settled on the name “Merry and Bright’s Cocoa Confections” so I throw up in my mouth. But Kate is wearing a great suit but with a trouser leg pant. I am not on board.

Royce is a tough, no nonsense business man. He asks her some tough questions but Kate keeps knocking all the answers RIGHT OUT OF THE PARK. Just crushing it. GET IT GIRL. And after all that, Royce says the chocolate is just okay. Well, that was underwhelming.

Gabe says they should have a fun day in the city. He takes her to a cluttered, junky looking place he says is a toy store. He talks about his mom working three jobs before starting EMPIRE! His mom is his boss. Why does she make him work on Christmas then? He casually drops that they have a party to attend. WHAT? Does she even have the right clothes?

They somehow end up meeting at the party instead of arriving together. That doesn’t make any sense to me. They dance and then Gabe says he has something to show her. They walk over to a painting. Kate seems disappointed. We learn that his dad painted it and the scene reminds him of Britewell. OMG what if they have the same dad and he had two families and they never knew? Gabe KISSES HER and we aren’t even at the end of the movie! She starts yapping away about being so busy and it will never work and he says he’ll walk her out. Just quit talking Kate! She says she has an early flight. Why aren’t they on the same flight?

Royce calls Gabe and we learn that he AND his wife are stoked about the chocolate. They want to invest in the company and focus on chocolate. They are like, you can still do the candy canes if you want, but we don’t really care about that. Kate is like, but we’re a candy cane company! Gabe is like, enough with the candy canes already.

Back at home, Kate talks it over with Joy. What about Grandma’s traditions? Joy is like, well she’s dead now. This is your company. Candy canes are seasonal. Also, let’s not forget that they haven’t turned a profit in several years? Maybe Grandma’s traditions are just a surefire way to run this whole place into the ground. Joy gives me all the encouragement I need to get to chocolating.

Well, Kate has a different take away from the conversation. She is struggling with the decision. Gabe is wearing a T-shirt under a suit jacket for this meeting. Kate and Gabe have a very personal conversation in front of an administrative assistant. Ultimately, Kate wastes everyone’s time and decides not to sign the papers.

Gabe calls his mom and says he wants to focus on helping small companies. He and his mom have a nice phone call.

Kate comes up with an idea to make flavored candy canes from her grandma’s cookbook. She sends Royce a box of them. Royce doesn’t seem to hate them.

Back at the hotel, Peter leads Sophie to the fireplace. It is where they first kissed! He gets down on one knee and the front desk bell dings. Wait, he is proposing while he’s still on the clock? Oh sweet, delicate, fair skinned Pete. Sophie says yes and Pete gets back to work apparently.

Joy gets the puppy all ready for the Jubilee. He has a sweet little red bow around his neck and he is being SUCH A GOOD BOY. He doesn’t understand what Joy is saying. Joy shoves him in a duffle bag.

At the Jubilee we see all the new candy cane flavors on display. Wait, GABE shows up. Kate is surprised to see him but has something to say. She loves candy canes so much she wants to marry them and that thing with the chocolates didn’t mean anything. Gabe is like, dude I get it okay? Royce is on the phone and he wants to marry these candy canes too. Royce is so over chocolate and wants to distribute the candy canes around the world. I am so disappointed that chocolate is now out of the picture.

Joy arrives with the duffle bag. She hands Kate the dog but bursts into tears and so does the dog. Joy promises to come visit but the poor puppy doesn’t understand. He is just being SUCH A GOOD BOY. Kate says the dog belongs to her mom. And Joy is so happy to have the dog back. She shoves him back in the duffle bag. Gabe says he feels at home now.

One year later, Kate is giving tours of the museum and they are just selling the different flavored candy canes. They all sound really gross. I had an M&M flavored candy cane once that wasn’t too bad. But Key Lime Pie? Yuck. I’m just going to make my own chocolate I guess. Sophie asks Kate to just check on those sugar plum mint samples real quick. What? Sick. Yeah, they’re in that velvet bag over there. Wait, that’s not a mint! That’s a velvet box. Gabe comes out and proposes! At work! So Everything worked out for everyone. Except me.

Two Turtle Doves premiered on November 1 on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries. We have NO time to waste.
Our lead, Sharon, who is surprisingly not an elderly woman, is on the phone with her cousin. They will meet in Town Square instead of inside someone’s home whenever Sharon arrives for the holidays.

Before she leaves, she has a meeting with her mentor. In this meeting, we learn that Sharon is a neuroscientist and is up for a pretty major award. The mentor’s office is, surprisingly decorated to the max for Christmas. Is it even worth mentioning at this point? Yes, because it is giving us all ideas and reminding us that whatever we’re doing in our own homes is NOT ENOUGH.

So, I’m really excited that the lead is a neuroscientist. Good job Hallmark. We learn that this will be her first time going home since her grandma’s funeral. Oh no. It may be hard to make jokes about this one.

Alright, Sharon is in town square. But where is her (pregnant) cousin? Oh, she went home but didn’t tell her. But since she’s already out, would she mind getting some cookies and a jar of mayo? I try not to throw up. These cousins seem to be having a really hard time. They were very close to their grandma. And she raised Sharon! I am settling in for this one.

On her way into the bakery, Sharon is stopped by another woman. Did Sharon know they named the counseling center after her Grandma Vera? After all she founded it. Two more scientist women show up and are asking Sharon about her peer reviewed research and an article in Psychology Today. Hallmark, I tip my cap to you for this film. And yes, I’m calling it a film now.

And then all the ladies whip their phones out to show Sharon their eligible male relatives and I remember where I am. She is rescued by a nice looking young man who conveniently happens to be the attorney for her grandma’s estate. He was also her neighbor for six years but Sharon has never met him. His name is Sam. I am just so on board for this movie at this point I can hardly stand it. Sam is like, can we talk about the Will? And maybe more? Sharon is like, let’s just start with the Will alright?

She makes it to her cousin’s house and her husband asks, do you think you can talk from ”Frankincense” into your cousin? And I’m actually not embarrassed for him at all and am just so glad he’s here. The two cousins head to the Grandma’s house. They have a nice moment outside. Inside there are open boxes strewn about. Did they attempt to decorate for Christmas and then abandoned that effort at some point? Well, whatever the case, they waste no time decorating the house. Well, Sharon wastes no time. The cousin sits on the couch. She’s pregnant okay? Chill.

Sharon is talking about the grant she’s up for and I’m taking notes while she decorates. They find the box for the “12 Days of Christmas” Ornaments. The box will include…hey! Two Turtle Doves! That’s the name of this movie. Well, now Sharon has to leave. That seems like a big waste of time. She head’s to Sam’s office to discuss the will. He has a super adorable plate of cookies on his desk. Don’t mind if I do, says Sharon. She immediately shrinks down to three inches tall. She takes another bite and is back to normal size. Sam is a widower and has a daughter named Mikayla. And we learn that Grandma Vera was Mikayla’s counselor. Vera has set up a sort of complex requirement that I’m not sure is legally enforceable. Sam plays a recording so Vera can explain it. Sam gives her some privacy.

The recording starts and Sharon smiles and tears up but I DEFINITELY DON’T OKAY. She has to do 12 Christmas traditions that coincide with the 12 days of Christmas. Then, she can decide if she wants to keep or sell the house. Come on, Vera. Also, I’m definitely going to do something like that to my family. Sharon mulls over the offer while lying on the floor in her cousin’s house. The cousin is like, I kind of want to just wallow so I’m not doing any of that stuff. Sharon is like, maybe I can make all of this positive instead of really sad. The cousin is like, I’m good.

Back at Vera’s, Sharon decides that right before sunset is a good time to start putting up the outside lights. Sam’s house is visible from space. He comes out and is like, maybe you should do that tomorrow.Sharon is up and at em in the morning, painfully trying to hang lights. Alex, Sam’s brother, sees her and runs out to help. It turns out that Alex helps Vera with her lights every year. High five, Vera! It turns out this whole little family was kind of adopted by Vera. Mikayla helped her decorate the inside. They decide the whole gang needs to go get a tree. The tree lot has a sign that says all trees are $15 and I laugh and laugh. Clearly no one at Hallmark has ever bought a Christmas tree. Sam and Sharon get to know each other. Sam shares that he doesn’t believe in naps. Sharon is aghast. But I agree with Sam. I do very much believe in naps for children though. Especially mine.

Back at home, Mikayla offers to help decorate. Sam is like, really it’s okay if you don’t want her to. And Sharon is like no that would be lovely. And then Sam says, well, nothing fills up an empty house like an enthusiastic ten year old and I DO NOT START CRYING. Mikayla is also super great at decorating and when do you learn this stuff? Could I hang ornaments from my wall under garland like this? They dive into Sharon’s family history and Sam gives an age appropriate note to Mikayla about marriage. They actually open the Twelve Ornaments of Christmas box and the Two Turtle Doves ornament is MISSING!

The next morning, Sam and Mikayla stop by and Mikayla has MADE Sharon a two turtle doves ornament and I am not getting emotional about that at all. Sharon heads to Vera’s office to look for the real ornament. She copes by moving an insanely heavy Santa out in the yard. Sam asks, isn’t this list supposed to bring you joy? And Sharon says, no this is about MAKING MEMORIES through gritted teeth. Sharon is a little annoyed that Sam doesn’t have strong preferences about Christmas things. She then accuses the young widower of being a Scrooge. He explains that the first year after his wife (Jenny) died, he went all out for Christmas for Mikayla. Like Hallmark movie level. He was so happy to have something to celebrate. But then doing all of that without Jenny made him so sad. BUT NOT ME. Meanwhile, Sharon is going to make memories with this gd Santa and his reindeer if it kills her.

Alright, we are at the Christmas Tree lighting. The missing ornament might be on the town tree. Alex is crushing it as a wingman. Sharon is really struggling and Sam shares about his life. He talks about Jenny and Christmas and how she just lit up the room and NO ONE IS CRYING while he tells this story. Then Mikayla walks up to the stage and asks the whole town to look for her friend, Dr. Sharon’s ornament. It’s fine. I’m FINE.
The next day, Mikayla asks Sharon to go bake cookies with Mrs. Ethel. She is like yeah cool, will your dad be there? And Mikayla is like no this is just girl time. And Sam is like, well I could stop by…Mikayla is like, dad cool it.
The gals are having a lovely time baking with Mrs. Ethel. Her kitchen is idyllic. I wish I was invited.

Sharon and Mikayla both say they like snickerdoodles as Christmas cookies but, since when are those Christmas cookies? Oh, Mikayla also likes her mom’s sugar cookies but she can’t quite remember what they taste like. HONESTLY. Whew. I am okay. The girls have a lovely moment talking about losing their moms at a young age. Ethel brings out some special lemon cake. If it were me, I would be super bummed out about a holiday tradition involving lemon cake. Sam shows up and offes to get dinner for everyone! He’s just happy to be here. Ethel mentions that Patsy might know about the ornament so Sharon and Sam go together. The teamwork of this town is unparalleled.

Sharon tells Sam about the McAdams fellowship and he knows about it and is intimidated. She is torn about what to do. In general, they have a really lovely conversation on their walk. It seems like maybe Sam has already been in a Hallmark movie and has learned a lot of lessons. Sharon asks, What happens when Mikayla goes to college? Sam says, oh, she’ll never be that old. He is just too cute. Sharon shares more about how great her Grandma is and I am just HERE for all of this.

No luck at Patsy’s with the ornament. She thinks maybe Vera loaned it to a local artist to recreate another one that was missing. The gang has a lovely dinner and Patsy won’t let them pay. Mikayla invites Sharon to the pageant and she pinky promises to attend. Nothing in her way, right? Sharon makes a really awful joke about Ten Pipers Piping. And I am actually not mad about it because Mikayla is embarrassed enough for all of us. Sharon crosses two more days off her list.

The next day, Sharon is caroling at the hospital. After the caroling, while Sharon is still wearing her Santa hat, she and Sam have another really lovely conversation about grief. Sharon just puts it all out there that she wouldn’t have gotten through all this if she wasn’t making new memories with him! And I’m like, dang girl. Slow down. We still have 45 minutes left.
Sharon is hanging out at Sam’s again and Mikayla is telling her about all their ornaments. Sharon asks the question I’ve been dying to know-who actually put up all these decorations? She shows Sharon her collection of 37 Santas and then brushes off Sam’s comment about teddy bears. Then Mikayla says she and her mom used to make Muddy Buddies! Sharon has never heard of that?! Oh Sharon. You have no idea. Mikayla comes back with…HONEY NUT CHEX! Okay, she is the MVP of this film.

Oh no. She doesn’t want to make them because it will make her too sad but I am definitely not crying right now so let’s make some muddy buddies, okay?!! She thought she was the only one who felt sad. Okay. I don’t know that I can continue at this point. Sharon plays wingman for Sam for his daughter and I can’t keep it together. They have a just..beautiful conversation about grief and Christmas. Sharon reminds them that all traditions start somewhere and Sam shouts out all kinds of ideas, including making a wreath. Mikayla perks up and goes to get her coat. Sam stands up and says, I don’t know how to make a wreath!! And he and Sharon laugh cry. For real, I might not make it. Then he asks, did you mean what you said about making Christmas new? She says, not until I said it. YOU GUYS.

Oh yay! A Christmas wreath making montage. They have a fabulous time with way too many supplies and Mikayla bangs out an absolutely professional looking wreath. Mikayla are you selling those also, or…? No, I’ll just get one later. Alright, well, Sharon’s got to get home to have a sad little Christmas movie marathon all by herself in that big old empty house. Sam and Mikayla find that incredibly pathetic and invite her to watch them at their house.Mikayla and Alex work as a TEAM to get Sam and Sharon to sit together. They all fall asleep and Sam is in heaven. Is he going to find a nice person for Alex next? He is working his butt off over here.

The next morning, Sharon asks if Mikayla can go ice skating that night. She’s having a sleepover…but SAM IS FREE. Maybe they can go to dinner first? I LITERALLY almost cannot continue at this point. But I do.
Sharon and her cousin have a really lovely heart to heart where the cousin gives insanely great advice. Sharon doesn’t want to choose between her job and all the loveliness here. We learn the fellowship interview was moved up… to two days from now!

Sharon and Sam are having a lovely date. They make some lawyer jokes that are almost too painful for me to bear. They have a colossal wipeout on the ice skating rink and just laugh and laugh. Sharon actually tells Sam all about the interview and they have an honest conversation about their feelings and expectations. I check to make sure this is actually a Hallmark movie and not up for an Academy Award. They’re about to kiss but I know it’s not going to happen because it never happens until the very end of the movie. He is having a hard time because I don’t think he’s dated since his wife so he doesn’t want to just be casual. She tells him she just doesn’t know yet and they part ways. He changes his mind and turns around but she’s gone. I’m heartbroken. These idiots.

Sharon goes to her interview and wonders if she’s doing the right thing with Sam. She crushes her interview and gets the fellowship! Alex and Sam talk and Alex tells Sam he needs to make room in his life for love or something like that. It results in him literally giving away most of Jenny’s stuff. Whatever it takes, man. But, while sorting out the stuff, they find THE TWO TURTLE DOVES ornament!!! Vera had given it to Jenny to use as a model to make the partridge in a pear tree ornament! OMG.

Aright, it’s pageant time. Will Sharon make it? I feel like she probably won’t because why would she fly back from her interview? Poor Mikayla is scouring the audience. She MAKES IT! Yay.

Sam and Sharon have a great conversation after the pageant. But, she tells him she got the fellowship and is going to live there for a year. And then will decide if she will sell the house. Is that enough for Sam? I’m yelling NO at him but he can’t hear me. He is fine with it. He probably knows she’ll stay after that. Maybe by then they’ll be married and she’ll just move in with him. So that’s it! This was by far one of the best Hallmark movies I’ve ever seen.

Let’s see how it scores on the checklist.

Christmas Wishes and Mistletoe Kisses is the first movie in the Hallmark Channel’s Countdown to Christmas, premiering on Saturday, October 26. We have a lot of ground to cover, so let’s dive in.

The movie opens with our lead, Abby, decorating a Christmas tree at a…nursing home or assisted living facility? She is giving the owner tips on how to wrap ribbon around the tree and I am taking notes. The owner, Caroline, laments that Abby is wasting her talent and should quit this stable job with steady hours, health benefits and paid time off to become a small business owner. Abby is not sure that’s a good idea given that she is a single mother. But, her boss does have one interior design project in mind-her family’s giant mansion!

The Christmas Tree lighting is tonight and the streets are packed and everything is closed. Abby runs into an acquaintance who grumbles about all of it. Hong Kong doesn’t care that it’s Richmond’s tree lighting event tonight, after all! And he doesn’t believe in magic. What a grinch. 

Abby finds her father and son at the tree lighting and she tells her dad about the opportunity. Now we learn that she would be restarting her career as an interior designer. She quit when she had her son, Max because the life of an interior designer is too fast paced. This seems as good a moment as any to point out that this movie NEVER explains what happened to Max’s dad. Is he a deadbeat? Is he actually dead? WE NEVER FIND OUT.

The next day, she is back at work at the senior center and one of the members happens to invite his very eligible doctor grandson to visit right when Abby is there. This senior is GETTING WORK DONE for his grandson. Abby couldn’t care less. Me? I would have forgotten all about my son and any plans we made for that evening. Later, Abby has what I view as a very age-inappropriate conversation with her five year old son. She’s like, I’ll always be there for the important moments, even if I get this job and he’s like okay, I have no idea what your job is now anyway. His only concern is that she attend the Christmas pageant. I could not count on my child to even remember that he is in a seasonal program of any kind. It is more likely that Abby will make it to the pageant than that FIVE YEAR OLD will cooperate for his portion of the performance. 

Abby is greeted by…that grinch from the street when she arrives at the mansion! What? And now I’m confused because I thought the doctor was going to be the lead because he is so much better looking. Abby stumbles through her job interview because she’s just been out of the game so long. She REALLY wants to decorate that place for Christmas. Don’t we all?When they are underwhelmed by her performance, she rants about them not giving her a chance. Nick, (the grinch) is impressed by this tantrum and offers her the job. 

She arrives home to her great dad and son making Christmas ornaments. Turns out, they let the children volunteer their families to contribute in all kinds of insane ways for this pageant. Max has volunteered Abby to MAKE 200 ornaments. I cannot imagine a world in which homemade ornaments are necessary for what I am assuming is a city theater production.

Abby arrives to begin her first day at the mansion. Kate (Nick’s work associate) is wearing a fabulous hunter green dress. Abby tries to find Nick because she cannot do a literal THING until she knows what he wants. It is unclear why she can’t either make the decisions herself or speak with Kate instead. She finally gets 3.5 minutes with Nick and I must say, he is more helpful that I expected. However, he essentially tells her he couldn’t care less about furniture or decorations because he is too busy being a workaholic businessman doing mergers and acquisitions and ledgers. She is devastated about not being micromanaged.

The cute doctor (Mike) pops back in and I am still very upset that this movie is not about him. Abby then finds an old ornament in the attic with Nick and he is taken back to his favorite Christmas on Nantucket. He says that as a kid he wanted to be Picasso and then my girl Lisa Frank gets a shout out.
Abby wonders if Nick likes blue couches and Nick says he is ambivalent. I have so many concerns. First of all, I am leaning against getting a blue couch. It feels too trendy. Second of all, HOW CAN YOU BE AMBIVALENT ABOUT BLUE. This guy. But honestly, Abby, just figure it out already. Make some choices. One thing is clear though, Kate hates the garland so much she is ready to fire Abby over it. Nick kindly asks her to chill. And, what do you know, but his afternoon has cleared up. He asks Kate if she’s upset and she says no, she’s fine. She begins to say, “I just think it’s funny how…” But Nick is already out the door to a Christmas antique furniture pop-up with Abby. 

Abby is like, OMG this furniture pop-up has the BEST hot cocoa. Again, I’m just going to keep it moving over the use of that word instead of hot chocolate. She’s wearing a great sweater. Nick is like, hey I bet you listen to Christmas music before Halloween. And Abby, like any good Hallmark heroine is like, ya doy.
They peruse this very strange store and Abby points out a cheap looking china hutch. But then apparently she is looking at the coffee cup on display inside of it. Nick is like, I don’t think we should serve our Christmas gala dinner on used, chipped Christmas plates we bought at a flea market. Abby then gives an impassioned speech about how the cup is overflowing with Christmas memories. And Nick is like, what does that have to do with my black tie gala and you buying actual furniture for my house. Also, I thought we were going to Ethan Allen or someplace like that? 

Then Nick cracks a joke about actually being the grinch and Abby is like EXCUSE ME? I had no idea you were funny. They are having a great time. But, it would have been so much better as a shopping montage with ”Rockin around the Christmas Tree” playing. Then they pass by a really small table and Abby thinks it would be perfect for him to host family Christmas dinners. And I think that would be great if it’s just going to be Nick, Abby and Max because there isn’t even room for Grandpa Dad at that table. He is so taken by her passion for used furniture. UH-OH, a helpful employee points out they’re under the mistletoe. They both die of embarrassment (along with me, covering my eyes with my shirt) and move along. But it was all worth it because now she get’s to plan the Hospital Christmas Fundraising Gala. I feel they are WAY BEHIND in planning that but what do I know?

Nick shares that he loves Carolers and Abby does too! This is great news because they are likely the only two people in the entire world. Also, they are fictional characters so there may be zero actual people that like carolers. 

Back at home and I am dying over Max‘s sweater and wondering if I could squeeze into a child’s XL. Wouldn’t be the first time. Nick charms the Christmas sweaters right off Grandpa Dad and Max. Then Abby realizes she has a gift from Nick. It’s a nutcracker. Was that from the flea market? Did I miss that?
The next day, they’re making gingerbread houses. Are they at the mansion? Mike the doctor is there and I am not sure if he has a kid or if he’s just actually a creepy single dude hanging out with kids. Also, isn’t it the middle of a work day? Nick shows up and I’m not totally clear why he’s there. However, we soon learn that Nick and Kate have been workaholic businessmen their whole lives so they’ve never made a gingerbread house. Good news Nick and Kate, it’s not that fun. Have you ever made a gingerbread house? 

Step 1. Spend all day making gingerbread, but it’s not to eat.Step 2: Make frosting, but make sure it has the taste and consistency of cement. We are building after all!Step 3: Go on Ebay and purchase the worst candy you can find; make sure it was made before 1960.Step 4: Put some frosting on two pieces of gingerbread and hold it together until the frosting sets (approximately 3 days). Repeat for the other two walls of the house. Step 5: Attempt to get the inedible candy to stick to the house without it slowly dropping down the sides. Step 6: Walk away and don’t even think about the house anymore, lest the attention causes the entire thing to collapse into a pile of inedible rubble. 

It turns out though, that now Nick has nothing but time and can afford a walk down to the boathouse for more Christmas decorations. Nick is like, you know, when you’re an adult and don’t get snow days, snow is actually super annoying. And Abby is like, no way man! Get you a four wheel drive and just live it up. And I tend to agree with Nick, unless you live in the 10% of the country where they actually plow the roads. Abby works in a casual story about the fact that her mom is dead. And it hasn’t snowed on Christmas Eve since. Nick is like, I’m not sure that’s right. And Abby is like, no it definitely is. Nick brings up Nantucket again and is surprised Abby remembers. Abby’s like, dude you literally just told me this story yesterday and it seems to be the only memory, Christmas or otherwise, that you have. 

Back at pageant practice, Abby says that Nick is not her type and decided to take doctor Mike up on his offer. Finally. Except, I know it’s not meant to be because he’s not on any of the posters. 

Abby is back at the mansion but the painters are stuck in Norfolk and she’s got to get the garland hung up. But she promised Max she’d be at pageant practice and frankly, I’m wondering why. It doesn’t seem like she’ll be done in time. Nick shows up and the suit jacket comes off…to help put up the rest of the decorations or garland or whatever. They get done in the nick (hey-o) of time, only for Abby to realize her car is buried under a pile of snow. She suddenly realizes that snow can make things difficult. Nick is like, I know how I said snow is super annoying and all but I parked in my garage and actually do have four wheel drive so why don’t I just take you. Abby is like, why can’t I park in the garage? 

Abby gets dropped off and asks, wait, you don’t want to stay to watch practice? And Nick is like, hard pass. Not even if my own child was participating.
Abby goes to work in the outfit she plans to wear for her date and her British event planning partner is NOT having it. Luckily her assistant brought back up outfits and, is that in her job description? And what is Abby’s commute like? Then, British event planner casually drops to Nick that Abby is going on a date. And then this movie turns briefly into a horror movie. 

Nick drags Kate to a “celebratory dinner“ that is really just an opportunity to stalk his employee. She is understandably surprised to see him there and Mike, the human golden retriever, invites them to sit down. Abby wonders if this is the romantic comedy she signed on for or if it is actually a horror movie. Nick and Mike take turns talking about how great Abby is and Kate turns into actual chopped liver. 

Abby has to work on Saturday so she brings Max. He is kind of in everyone’s business and Kate is not pleased. She just wants to work, work, work. Caroline arrives and gives Kate some busy work so Nick and Abby can interview Christmas bands. She takes Max on a special Christmas adventure that we never see and is never mentioned again so I have no idea what they did. That is the last time they all see Max alive. Wait, no that’s not this movie. Abby and Nick listen to one terrible band. And then, the next band wisely asks what they’d like to hear. They dance to I’ll be Home for Christmas and I decide that I’m finally rooting for them. Max invites Nick to see Santa, but he has a SUPER IMPORTANT call at 6 pm. He blows it off instead of rescheduling. Unfortunately, the callers are SO offended, they are about to unwind this whole merger. Nick vows to never let himself get distracted again. He buys a fidget spinner. He also tells Abby he’s got to buckle down, otherwise it’s layoffs right before Christmas. But maybe he could take his massive decorating budget and put it into salaries or whatever?
Kate ends up saving the day by buying box seats to the Capitals and then inviting those guys to the Gala. Kate’s only hobbies are doing business. She loves closing high stakes corporate mergers. Abby misinterprets Kate’s exuberance through the window. 

Abby ends up making it to the pageant without any trouble. And somehow this 5 year old has a major speaking role and remembers all his lines. She tells her dad that there’s no spark with Mike. He checks her pulse to see if she’s dead but then asks, so you’re done with him? Abby is like, yeah why? And her Dad is like, well, so you wouldn’t mind if I called him?

The next morning, Caroline is like hey! It’s Abby’s last day. Nick is like, who cares? I have to focus on business things, Mom. I can’t be distracted. Caroline is like, that’s super crazy Nick. 

Abby walks Nick through the whole house and shows him that she’s put together a little corner of memorabilia of his Christmas in Nantucket. Nick is like, you remembered? And Abby was like, again, not much time has passed since you told me that story. Kate pops in and is like, don’t forget! We have drinks with the Phelps. And Nick is like, it’s 10 AM. But then Kate tells Abby the house is beautiful.

At the Gala, everyone is dead over the decor and Abby hands out all her business cards. How many regular people are hiring interior designers? Nick tries to ask Abby to dance but is pulled away. Mike realizes that he and Abby are not meant to be but offers to help make him jealous and Abby laughs and Nick sees. But we don’t have time for too much drama because there’s only 10 minutes left. Kate looks for Nick because she has a….proposal for him. The British guy misunderstands and tells Abby he wants to plan the wedding. Abby leaves and I feel like this all should have happened 20 minutes earlier. Kate’s proposal is that she wants to be CFO and I realize that THIS IS THE HALLMARK MOVIE WE NEED. She’s been hustling this ENTIRE MOVIE and getting work done and advocating for herself. Nick is like, yeah girl! Get it. You deserve this. And then, while Kate is just grinding away focusing on her dreams, Mike shows up and asks her to dance. And I feel cheated because I would have rather watched that movie. 

Nick asks were Abby is and her dad says she’s at home. He warns Nick that he’ll need a grand gesture because Abby totally misunderstood that the word “proposal” has more than one meaning and I feel that this isn’t Nick’s problem.
Nick has somehow strung up a bunch of lights around the gazebo that of course Abby has in her backyard and has coerced the Gala band to join him. Nick says that his only wish is to spend Christmas with Abby and I suddenly get the title of this movie. And then IT STARTS SNOWING ON CHRISTMAS EVE and I assume their lives go perfectly after. 

Let’s see how this movie rates against our Checklist:
2. Workaholic that’s too busy for Christmas 

4. Single parent

7. A Christmas pageant 

9. Christmas Gala

10. Christmas Tree Lighting 

18. Someone working a nondescript corporate job instead of chasing their dreams